@lly's Haven

Hm.... it's going to be vision weekend next week. Over the years, I am growing more fearful of this season. I know I shouldn't be. It seems like the older I am, the lesser faith I have in giving. I guess as I grow older, I want to keep more for myself instead of giving to God. I guess the verse be anxious for nothing can be put into use in this area as well. This time round I better not be HL and put in an amount more than I can give. But sometimes the statistics in church really scares me, I wonder do they take the average Singaporean's salary or those who are higher paid like management level. Sometimes giving less than what the stats show seems like a faithless act to me. I really question the stats though. Sigh... I guess it's personally hearing from HS, better clean my ears and don't commit the same mistake. For the first time (I think), I didn't manage to fulfil my building fund the last season. So discouraged! When I was in SOT, no matter how down and out...

Learnt this new song in choir today. Bel said we need to sing with conviction, gratitude: Where would YOU be without Jesus? Probably sniffing drugs, behing bars, out in the streets lost..... I guess maybe salvation seems easy and "cheap" when you don't have to fight for it hard. I haven't faced any persecutions or objections of becoming a believer of Christ. Well, except when I wanted to change/transfer to another church, be water baptised and going to SOT. But still I am glad that I have Jesus in my life though I have a different level of conviction. I guess when there's conviction AND gratitude, that's the propelling factor that pushes one to be focused to move forward to the call that God has placed in their lives. I do have gratitude but lack of the conviction. I know that the very purpose and desire that Jesus came so that we can live life abundantly . Is that much time to figure out still or the time is at hand?

I have never walked on water Felt the waves beneath my feet but At Your word Lord I'll receive Your Faith to walk on oceans deep Pre Chorus: And I remember how You found me In that very same place All my failings surely would have drowned me.. Still You made a way Chorus: YOU ARE MY FREEDOM JESUS YOU'RE THE REASON I'M KNEELING AGAIN AT YOUR THRONE WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT YOU HERE IN MY LIFE HERE IN MY LIFE Verse 2: You have said that all the heavens Sing for joy at one who finds The way to freedom, truth of of Jesus Bought from death into his’ life Pre Chorus: And I remember how You saw me Through the eyes of Your grace And all the cost was Your beloved for me Still You made a way

Philippians 4 V.6 - Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; v7 - and the peace of God. which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Be anxious for NOTHING. Ever since the thing has been resolved, there are just too many voices all of a sudden. All sorts of advises, "encouragements", etc which are voices of men. No more of these. As I said, I want to FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS. Thank God, I have these 2 verses to keep reminding myself and to keep me on track. We have a combine CG zone meeting @ JW today, rather yesterday. The presence and power of the Holy spirit was very strong. My hands were numb and somehow I just felt there's a hold on my wrist. I know I have said the same prayer over and over but never able to keep that prayer towards God. I always say I want to be more in love with HS when I am always running away from Him or distracted with ...

I think I will be putting on weight soon! I'd never have thought of having dinner when I did OT last time. But for the past few weeks of doing OT, as long as it's after 10pm, I'd have dinner with Aaron. This has been for the past 2 days. In my heart, I was determined not to eat. But looking at the food makes me feel so hungry! Ah yo.... Before I meet my godly man, I think I 'd be a 200 pounds beauty! :s I am so used to OT now that when I think of coming home early, I'd be so lost! Like, LOST, really lost. This is bad! I definitely don't like this feeling. Sigh... I need to do some exercise soon. I need to do some savings too if not, whoever the godly man is, it'd be hard on him. I believe that plannig and sharing of costs should be both persons. I really love to travel and I think my bulk of savings always went into travel in the past. As long I have enough $$, it'd go into travel. Oh God, I really hope that the increment in November will come through! I...

A friend asked me what is it that made me "humph" for that particular night.... I guess it's the simple truth and the gesture of love and concern. Honestly speaking, it's the love I received from the other party. It's a platonic kind out of friendship, out of love for a friend. This kind of touched me. Secondly, perhaps it's because he's the only guy who has really showed any concern for me. But of course for the reason that we mutually liked each other. And another thing, the complete acceptance of who I am. This I sort of failed to do. I guess I have a very simple criteria for my godly man ba.... Really, I don't need a super macho, egoistic male being in my life. All I want is just the sincere concern, I will be easily touched. If it were to be in the past, I'd be so swooned over by the talents or even the smile of a guy.I don't know why. I guess I am seeking for a father's love from a man? I used to be very close with my father until my ...

My brother has just came back from Vietnam on Sunday. I thought some of these pictures are rather nice.

Amazing how I can still talk to him over the phone calmly and as if nothing happened. But I am glad that we know where we stand in each other's life now. He will be working near my office next week onwards and I have agreed to have lunch. It has been along time that we met up to fellowship. I am excited but apprehensive about the meet up. But I think it's good to overcome since every thing has been cleared. He was "drilling" me today. How 2 persons come together, just be who I am , how do I know if I really like someone, etc. Like my big brother cum father. Anyway, I just told him to pray for me if he's so anxious for me. haha... Anyway I am a lady, how proactive can I be? I'd rather be pursued and wooed than try to make things happen. And of course, don't play hard to get. I think it's pretty silly to try to play hard to get. I mean just accept the pursue graciously and know the other party better. Focus Focus Focus. I think this will be my key word t...

An act of kindness means so much to one who's looking for love and acceptance as well as assurance. Lewis Smedes: Guilt was not my problem as I felt it. What I felt most was a glob of unworthiness that I could not tie down to any concrete sins I was guilty of. What I needed more than pardon was a sense that God accepted me, owned me, held me, affirmed me, and would never let me go even if he was not too impressed with what he had on his hands. Mark Twain: Put a dog and cat in a cage together, they got along well. Put in a bird, pig and goat. They, too, got along fine after a few adjustments. Then put in a Baptist, Presbyterian, and Catholic; soon there was not a living thing left. hm... Grace... is it a rare commodity or what? Or have we become so task-oriented, focused on the end goals that we have forgotten how to exercise grace? Or is it because we experienced ungrace so we don't know to give grace? Grace, to me, is an equivalent to love. I most probably have been ungracious...

Psalms 86:6 Pay attention, God, to my prayer; bend down and listen to my cry for help. Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; Romans 8:26 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. 1 Timothy 2:1 I urge you, first of all, to pray for all people. As you make your requests, plead for God's mercy upon them, and give thanks. Romans 12:12 Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful. Ephesians 6:18 In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes ope...

Hosanna by Hillsong United I see the king of glory Coming on the clouds with fire The whole earth shakes The whole earth shakes I see his love and mercy Washing over all our sin The people sing The people sing [Chorus] Hosanna Hosanna Hosanna in the highest x2 I see a generation Rising up to take their place With selfless faith With selfless faith I see a near revival Stirring as we pray and seek We're on our knees We're on our knees [Chorus] Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdoms cause As I go from nothing to Eternity [Chorus] x2 Hosanna in the highest

I am so tired right now, so so tired. It has been a long day. I slept about 1am last night and this morning was awaken by my mum constant questions, every hour since 8am. Sigh.... I didn't really sleep well because I was having dreams throughout the night. Though they are not nightmares, but it's kinda distracting. I'd say today's outreach is the simplest one. Usually there will be loads of activities and big groups of people or friends. Personally, I feel sometimes small groups can be more effective because it's more focused in a sense. I met Cindy at 1330 today at Aljunied Mrt for CG. I was sharing with her what happened on Tuesday night and again, I cried. I am still very touched and it has really released me from my broken down emotions. I told her I just felt so loved. I am taking slow and steady steps to fall in love again, not with man but with Man. I guess God knows the desires of my heart. I want to take slow and steady steps to knowing who my Creator is al...

Psalm 51:12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." (NIV) Through my experience in talking with and ministering to people, I can confidently say most individuals have an easier time accepting God's forgiveness for their sin than forgiving themselves. For some reason, we believe that we must punish ourselves for the sins we have committed. We imprison ourselves by retreating and withdrawing from all "godly activities" for a period of time until we feel redeemed and worthy to rejoin the "Christian world". We forget the benefit of being forgiven by God is living in freedom. Satan wants us in this predicament - living in the guilt of our sin instead of the freedom of forgiveness. When we hold on to that which God has already forgiven, we become ineffective believers: powerless to promote the gospel of Christ. The words from the treasured hymn, "O for a Thousand Tongues to Sing" clearly defines what God...

2 days has gone by after that conversation........ Something has broken through and again, I really thank him from the depth of my heart. I release myself from the regret and the choice I have made. I forgive myself for giving up. I just felt released from that regret and the unforgiveness that was hidden towards myself. I think I cannot thank God enough for that night. I am ready to move on. And as I prepare myself, I believe (hopefully) that the next Best will come. I feel just so light now, so very light. There's a joy which I haven't felt for a long time. Tonight, I helped a friend to play for their cg. It has been a long long time since I played for them. In the past, whenever I played for them, I just feel so stressed. I just felt there many technicals that I need to take note of, kinda controlled. But I came tonight with the intention to bless and to minister. Of course not myself who minister but wanting God to minister to this group of friends whom I haven't met f...

Sometimes it's amazing how near blessings are but we just missed it by an inch. Went for dinner with a friend whose soul was "mourning". Sometimes, there don't need to be words but just someone to be there for you and you just feel comforted, "someone is out there..." It's something that cannot be earned nor worked for. It's that presence in times of need.

It was a night to encourage others and be set free because I have blessed someone. There were many confessions made tonight, cried and cried. Secrets that were kept were exposed. I don't think he knows I cried. Well he asked, and I just gave him a smiley face. I didn't know I am so much affected by the wrong decision I have made. I am the first, so are you. I am so scare but I want to trust God that you won't be the last. (he read my mind) Encouragement: You are beautiful. Deserve someone good taking care of you. I am sure this time round, you will have the confdent and accept God's blessing boldly. He wanted me to share so that I will be released from the past. His very desire for me is to see me have a partner who loves me, takes care of me. And most importantly, I am happy. I hope my eyes won't be swollen when I go work tomorrow. Conversations continued on for some time, and I still cry on and off. I really, really thank God and also thank him for having the matu...

Spoke a friend for half an hour. I believe that it's really God's timing. I don't usually appear online when I am at home. I prefer to stay offline. But I just don't know why, I just messaged him through MSN to ask him how's his workout. But somehow it ended up about his spiritual life, and then sharing and encouraging. I do hope that he through in whatever last bit he's hanging to God and really recognise the hands of God in his life.

In everything we do, we need wisdom. In everything that we decide, we need perseverance. In anything or any one that we choose, we need discernment. What sets the priority of my life? It's the direction of my heart. I pray that it will stop going along with the winds that come blowing and setting its direction. Love is all I need to anchor at the right place. Again, I ask myself do I believe in Love? Not for a decade. How foolish I was to search for it when I don't believe. How would I even recognise it?

Was surfing the net last night and came across an interesting website. 3-365 = 3 blessings for 365 days a year. This person decided to remember 3 good things for each day. I think it's a good blog to have. And her entire blog is just 3-pointers to describe how good the day went. And if it's bad, she will just write something positive about it. September 3: Family 1. Waking up to a smiling little boy's big brown eyes. 2. Enjoying prepared black English tea with breakfast. 3. Sipping German wine from grandma's glasses with sibs.

Today is a day of acronym T - Tenderness R - Respect U - Understanding S - Security T - Trusthfulness and trust A - Act of R - Random K - Kindness When you pray and ask for something, God gives you in opportunities. Can you recognise them? Do you have the boldness and courage to get hold of the opportunity?

The MV from jay chou -still fantasy album .

Had lunch with a colleague-cum-Masterclass classmate today, rather yesterday. I guess it's the timing of God ba... So happened we were talking about relationship and faith. She was talking about her unattached elder sister who's almost 32 or 34, don't really remember. And she was saying that her sister is so full of hope and trust, steadfast, believing that God will have his perfect timing for her life partner. And she honestly told me that there are definitely struggles for her sister, in the flesh. However, her sister is always full of hope and trust in God. This is rather encouraging. I guess it's her love for God and knowing that God loves her as well. Ultimately, it's still the heart attitude of having God, nothing else matters. I used to think this way. How do I rechannel my energy and longing back to Jesus again? Sigh...

The man without limbs - Is he for real? He's definitely for real. He came to share his life story with us. He is probably the most optimistic disabled person I know. I'd have killed myself when I was 7 years old if I were to be in his shoes. It's amazing how he can use his physical flaws to create humour. It's takes courage and confidence to be able to create a joke out of his own physical disability. He can do amazing things any other normal can do! He swims, plays soccer & golf, got himself a double degree and is a president of Life without Limbs . Obviously, he is very certain of his purpose in life even though he's without limbs. He's using himself as life changing testimony. I, for one, who never be able to accept such a plan in my life. Once again, I'd rather kill myself or wished I've never been borne. Yet he can say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully created!" Such trust and assurance in God despite of his circumstance. It's indee...

I don't know why...... Why are women or is it be so susceptible to fall into emotional downturns? I haven't felt this way so strongly in awhile. But I just can't help to think about having a partner in my life..... I have already told myself to just give up and concentrate on my career. But with all the couples, married women and new mums around me, I just can't help but feel alittle depressed. It doesn't seem to be me. I am losing confidence, rather I have long lost the confidence and the hope. Will I ever, ever, ever find someone who will accept me? Or will I and do I believe that there will be someone who will accept me? And am I able to trust this person enough to believe that he accepts me for who I am? SIGH...

When a person has too many secrets, or deepest thoughts that cannot be shared, I guess it's a lack of either confidence or trust. There isn't much need to hide anything unless you want to be discovered. But then, sometimes, there are just things which I won't want to share as well. I think it's best to just leave it with God. I guess it's just the nature of how things work out. I will only share the things that have already happened even though it's something intimate. But things that have yet to happen, it's always not safe to be in the open. The more you share, the more you believe, the higher your hopes are and greater is the fall. Things left untold will usually work out on its own, even better than things which are told.

It was the SOT 2007 Graduation ceremony yesterday. Every time I attend a SOT graduation, it just brings back memories of the year I have been to SOT as well. Especially looking at the graduating students in their gowns, evokes emotions that cannot be described. SOT graduation reminds me of the times that we can preach a message in 7 min, rushing to school and to work, rushing for deadlines; spending quality time in the presence of God; exercising spiritual gifts; the inspiring messages the different lecturers brought, etc. Every one goes to SOT in the hope of gaining something, be it encounters, revelations, skills, knowledge, faith, leadership, etc. All in the hope of fulfilling the destiny that God has placed in their lives. The graduation marks a new beginning in their lives to go forth in the marketplace and make an impact. I pray that they will go continue in the narrow path that they have decided to choose. That they will not allow the fog of fear to blur the vision ahead of them...

I haven't been logging into Friendster. I have long ago friend who made me his fan club member. Wonder how he did that and we aren't that close as well. Since I know him years ago, he's already so in love with himself. He's a complete narcissist. Unbelievable and even more so now. I think he's probably out of church liao. He seems to be doing pretty well but I don't even know if the photos are real. It could be photoshop. Apparently he's a model cum actor cum singer cum musician. I admit he's not bad looking but his self-love puts me off. I haven't known anyone who's more in love in himself than him. Can I say it's self obsession?

I know who holds the future And I know He holds my hand With God things don't just happen Everything by Him is planned So as I face tomorrow with its problems large and small I'll trust the God of miracles, give to Him my all! This is my fav song from Sunday school till now. Just makes me happy to sing this song. I was packing my room and I really can't bear to throw all my Sunday school books since Primary school. These are probably the oldest books I have kept till now. But I need to throw these books away, not only these, even for magazines or course books. I am pretty determined today to just throw whatever I don't need or is outdated. Last Saturday, I went to a colleague's house for BBQ. Sigh, what a shame! Her room is spick and span, mine is like cluttered with books, magazines, notes, etc. Sometimes, I wonder how can one live without keeping anything except for wardrobes and bed. I am just taking a break. I still have much more but I shan't be ambitious, ...

Well, I am not talking about the fire of God but a real fire that broke out about 20 min ago. Explosions and black smoke, with many audiences looking out of their window. It's my first time calling 995 and wa liew, there's a message which actually says, "Our lines are busy now." @_@ What the heck! Anyway, I managed to get through and was told, " Mdm, many pple called already." Well that probably explains why the line was busy. This is the first ever fire I have encountered and probably in this vicinity as well, after 11 years? I wonder which inconsiderate jerk threw his/her cigarette butt or maybe like what my dad said, it could be an arson. Most importantly, I am relieved that my brother is safe and sound. And being the kiaSi him, "Thank God! My bike is not here!" Ya... that's my brother. His safety comes first. haha...