@lly's Haven

I find myself disgusted at liking men. Though there was once desire, but I find men disgusting, not trustworthy, even more so at the wishy-washy and cowardice characteristics. Disgusted at the ways they look at things, their perception. Disgusted at men who only look upon their beloved and despise the rest as if they are not human beings. I'd rather like a handsome lady at least we sync.... I am also disgusted with myself for being anal about what I want. What have I do e for what I want to do besides praying in the past? It's shit!! What?! Pray and trust God? Why has no one taught the practical ways till it was too late? So don't talk to me about praying, trust God and have faith. Coz things don't just happen by doing these. Where are the practical actions?? Maybe I am the one who interpret wrongly, that's why I ended up destroying myself... Robbing myself of my dreams... And desires... I hate the fact that I have to let go because I have lost the desire or dream. ...

http://jaesonma.com/365-days-of-love-day-285-relationship-advice/

Realised that this is a decadent cycle... when will it end? Is it so difficult? Am I trying to hold onto a dead end and trap myself? As I have always said, I need to look at the bigger world out there..... I need to save!!! As always.... No one to blame except to have better financial management.

I can barely hold the pieces of my heart together. Felt like it's going to collapse soon. I find it so hard to breathe, choked. I have a simple dream since I was young. Perhaps it's not His dream. Then I've no others to live on. My oxygen is my brother and he always has been since I graduated from school. Even more so as I grow older. I'd hate You forever and ever, if You take him from me before my time. There's no one else that's my oxygen. Though I must admit my very breath us given by You. But I'd rather never existed, it doesn't matter whether or not I've experienced You, because I'd never have known. I'm losing it, especially so this year. I am NOT going to attend another wedding especially ppl close to me. Sorry.... Today's the last one...