@lly's Haven

Last night was my first night playing in the cell group as the guitarist. I was told that I only need to practise together with Rebecca to prepare for future mutiplied group. Lo and behold, "Can lah, later you play together with Rebecca!" That was what our dear leader said. I was happy, excited but also alittle scare scare. But it was good, haven't felt so good for a long time. Many years ago in my youth, I wanted to do something for the my CG at that time or rather I wanted to do something for God that will impact lives. I wanted to be a CGL but each time I discipled someone, I would just feel inadequate and felt a sense of condemnation. My conscience or the "accuser" would just tell me, "Hey what right do you have to disciple others? Look at your life, there are so many imperfections. You haven't even done what you are teaching! How can you teach others?" I felt condemned and I fell from glory to darkness. Depression overwhelmed and I fel...

I was reading Matthew 24 and 25 and I somehow felt that or rather the reality of end times became real. I wondered why is it so hard to invite friends for church or cell group or for outreach outings? Is it so scary to invite friends? What is stopping us or rather myself to invite friends? Personally, I have the fear of inviting friends. But to think about it, what is there to be afraid of? The most you get rejected, why do I need to bother so much whether the other party thinks that I am a pest? Most importantly, if you are a worthy friend to be, the person won't even think that you are a pest!! As much as I want the Lord to come back so that we all can be near Him, I find that I still fall short in some areas. Or MANY areas. We are weak but He is strong, His grace is sufficient for us.

I think these few days or rather for the past 3 days, I have been feeling this anger within me since Sunday night. Not very usual, because there is nothing for me to be angry about. But I just feel like bursting out, losing my patience easily, tired. Anyone, if any one should suddenly tap on my shoulder, I wouldn't be surprised that vulgarities will shoot at that person. I don't like surprises now. I think I should be having my breakthrough soon if not, I will not feel so agitated within my spirit. Praise God for that! But still, I don't like this feeling of anger and frustration. It seems like there's something I want to run away from. I am going to deal with it and let God handle this. I believe once I breakthrough from this round of "deliverance", my prayer to be connected with the Holy Spirit intimately will be answered.

Did a new outlook for my blog which may not look that fantastic but I am trying to improve. At least I manage to put a picture in it and a verse for my blog. This is one of my favorite verses, especially I waver easily in times of testings. I kinda like my blog now. But I sacrificed my rest to do up the html, I lost 3 hours of rest. I reached home about 430pm or early, don't really remembered. The usual me will change and sleep, even without bathing, haha... But I really can't be bothered especially I am tired. But now my blog is like a NeoPet to me, I need to feed it every day and nurture it. If someone has told me he/she did this, I would have remarked, "Ridiculous!" But now seems like I am the ridiculous one. haha... I downloaded 2 softwares just to get my pix loaded up. I love to show off my pictures, nice ones of course. Today has been a busy day even though I was on leave. 1045: Meet insurance agent 1145: Dental appoinment which was delayed fo...

Deuteronomy 7 v.6 : "For you are a holy people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples on the face of the earth. v.7 : The Lord did not set His love on you nor choose you because you were more in number than any other people, for you were the least of all peoples; v. 8 : but because the Lord loves you, and because He would keep the oath which He swore to your fathers, the Lord has brought you out with a mighty hand, and redeemed you from the house of bondage, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. v.9 : Therefore know that the Lord your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments; Deuteronomy 8 v.3 : So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by ev...

I want to see Your Face I want to know Your ways Let Your light shine upon us I want to know Your power Come fill me once again Lift me up in Your hands of grace This is my song today, rather this morning. I really, really need so much of God, so much of fellowship with the Son and Holy Spirit. Really need God to fill me up in every areas of my life - emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, friendships, relationships, career, family, future, present, etc. For 2005, I want to be really focus and breakthrough in faith. I have run away for too long, it is time I trust God with my life, needs and wants. It is a decision and not a feeling. Even though sometimes or rather most of the times, I FEEL tired or don't FEEL like doing anything, I need to make a choice to stop walking in the flesh. I am 2/3 spiritual not natural. I have the power to overcome and to command my fleshly nature to stop its nonsense. Even when I FEEL I don't have the faith or stren...

I am so happy! Why? Coz my immediate supervisor is sick and he won't be in office. So happy. Though I feel bad for being happy but I think it's a day for me to relax. Whenever he is around, I just feel the strife between myself and him. Sigh.... Every night have to pray and ask God for forgiveness and to have more love. Because anger or strife doesn't solve a thing, only mercy and grace does. And how to you show mercy and grace to others? LOVE is the word. God tells us to love your enemies as yourself. Hard, that's why have to pray and confess every day. Just feel glad that I can let down my hair this morning.

I met up with a very good friend of mine today! :-) She bought me earrings which I really like. Those kind that dangles but it it was a little haeavy because of the material it was made up of. But I really appreciate that she remembers me while shopping. I should learn more from her. But now is budget, budget, because I wanna save up for Israel trip. The Promised Land of the forefather, Abraham. :-) Anyway, we had dinner at MOS. Sigh... I haven't really taken fast food like for a few months? We had a good chat. Sharing about work, life, relationshios, etc. And I tell you we were very aunties!!! Went to NTUC and choose the fruit drinks that we want. Last time when we were young, supermarket will be the last place unless we want to buy tidbits or drinks. But now we are like doing marketing!!! Can you imagine? We both laughed at ourselves. My dear friend is getting married this year on 6 Nov and her ROM is on June 11. We were happily talking about it, when I suddenly...

I am desperately in need of a rhema word especially for my career. The more I work, the more I felt I am not an excellent worker, I felt whatever I do is just mediocre. I think compare myself too much with others. There are many others who seem so resourceful, iniative and doing more than they seem they need to. For me, it's just doing whatever I am supposed to do. I don't see the opportunities in my job scope or rather I don't know how I can do more than my job scope yet related to the job. Hm... sounds alittle chim... But that's how I feel. I see my peers who knows how to show their talents and proving themselves to move up in career but here I am still square one from since Poly days. I am extremely discouraged. I feel inadequate in whatever job I have been. Travel, accounting, telesales, admin, etc. I think the only thing I did well was being a sales person for retail when I was secondary school. There was no one that I need to prove my worth because the onl...

Another busy day or rather activity-filled day. Thank God for Joy who drove today and managed to rest for choir though I was a little late. I woke up at 7am when I was supposed to wake up at latest 645am. Because of the "early night" rest on Sun when I slept at about 230am or 3am. Anyway, today's message to lay the foundation for 2005 and the rest of our lives was preached. It is really a word in season and I pray that every member of CHC will hear the word, receive, act and see their plan for 2005 come to pass in God's timing and direction. Better don't miss focus this year, it is a decision and not a choice or feeling! Hmm.... Must remind myself daily if possible as and when I remember. My title croaking has nothing to do with the above but with Karaoke. :-) Never in my life have I been to KoK for so many times within months!!! I don't even go once a year in the past perhaps 5 years once? Maybe I am a late boomer. While my friends were happily go...

These 2 days I have been quite emotional, not in the sense of crying, but somehow I am rather insecure. Whenever it comes to relationship, I cannot handle. I think too much I guess. Anyway I am not attached so it's not some kinda relationship problem, but more like man-problem. Every male that I come in contact with or rather especially those intellectual or mature ones, I will feel intimidated. WHY? Well, that's because I usually can't differentiate between admiration and attraction. I fall easily for these kind of men but the thing is that I am quite a kiddo. Short and a little round, inexperienced in communication or lack of alot of knowledge. How to help my Godly man if he is intellectual or when he has more than enough wisdom? How to be his helper like what God has asked all women to do? Sigh...... If I like someone, I will be more afraid to relate and communicate, I will have withdrawal syndrome. I think I am just afraid of rejection, lack of confidence and self...

I have spent my day at work, trying to understand my assignment, reading through BS, blogging but I have yet to pray. I complained about the big guy today, not only that I gave him attitude yet again. I know this may not be pleasing to God but my flesh is weak though my spirit is willing. He is an insecure person and I am an immature person because I don't know what is taking things easy and relax. A mature person will not live a life at the hands of some insensitive or ridiculous person. A mature person moves on and does not allow circumstances to hold him/her back. That's my definition, do you have a better one? I need more of God's love to fill my heart and not to be emotional. I should put the company's interest above some irritating fellow. Oops... hehe.. I know I am very bad, but (ah ya...) I am put off by his hypocrisy. hm... am I being judgemental here? If I am, i repent. But I have a very nice colleague who is like a brother and father to me. I have...

I definitely didn't go through cruxification like Jesus. But I have finished setting my goals finally! 8 areas of my life: Spiritual Family/Friends/Relationships Emotional/Psychological Leisure Finance Health Will continue once I find out what's the last 2. So happy, I used to dislike planning because I don't know what I want in my life and I was a negative person who often have no sense of hope. But this year, I want to believe that as I plan, God will direct. :-) Today is a very tiring day for me because I foolishly stayed up till 1am in the morning because my blog didn't appear on blogspot.com. I know some of you must be laughing at me at how silly I was to waste my time. Well I am still alittle perfectionist. haha...

2 weeks into 2005, I have yet to set my goals for 2005. There is only one thing on my mind though, that's to go to Israel. That's going to cost me about $5000, depending on how many days I will be there. I need a miracle seed for a financial breakthrough. Ironically, I found a job that's commission-based. Ironical, because about 2 yrs ago, I was just thinking in my heart "how good if I have a commission-based job?" I guessed God heard it though I didn't really mean it as a prayer. I hate telesales job but now I am into it for almost 5 mths. This is another breakthrough that I have and really thank God for it. I struggled terribly, I have a major phobia to use phones. Bad experience in the past, for those who wanna know, ask me personally. Praise the Lord, I am on the phone almost every day now. I am having good commission and my salary is not stagnant every month. Today, I have committed an irresistible mistake. GOSSIP or rather complain. S...

Since everyone is blogging nowadays, I am here to keep up with the trend. But I do hope that I will have the discpline to keep everyone updated. Last night was a late night for me, went home late, slept late but woke up early for work today. I have to makeup Bible Studies today and will go home late again. This is a time for molding and stretching and I hope that I will pass the very first test for 2005.