@lly's Haven

It's no doubt that I am struggling with my faith, with ministry, with my perception of ministry and who God is. I think to myself what is it that I am not letting go, why do I choose to hold back and why do I stand still at the same point?

I have finally concluded the purchase of the resale flat. An area that I have never expected to move to and I hope that this isn't an emotional decision. Even if it was, it's with logical search process from a part of Singapore to another. It started from Macpherson, Tanah Merah, Bedok, and places I have considered were Yio Chu Kang, AMK, and Bishan. And atlas, I turned my eyes towards Choa Chu Kang and finally to Jalan Teck Whye. As I look at the surrounding, the more I am very happy with my choice of purchase. Front view is unblock as the land is occupied by landed properties. It's quite windy most of the time. There is a little flaw. Initially, I thought the unit looks big, now that I am going through the layout for renovation work, it's not as big as I thought it is though the floor area is 100sqm. Nevertheless, I am excited but at the same time, afraid that the renovation may not turn out to be as nice it should be. I pray that God will give the contrac...

It's such a good day that I get to meet my good friend, Xueling and her eldest daughter today. Finally, Hui hui managed to meet up with us after so many years!! I am very delighted and happy to see so many long time friends though it's just 2 of them. I am glad that Li Lian was there with me. I won't feel so out of place. These few weeks I kept having the maternal instinct. I don't I really want to have a man in my life, I want a man probably so that I can have my own kid. I play with the idea of looking for a sperm donor, a man who offers himself to help me achieve my dream. Seeing them with their kids, though it's not easy but it's definitely fulfilling. These days loneliness is creeping on me especially now that brother is getting married this year end. I finally found a house but nothing is finalized until I complete the resale application and do up my house nicely. I just hope to have a simple, cozy house and also future good tenants who are respons...

I am excited about getting a place of my own. At the same time, I am lamenting the fact how little options or chances are given to singles. I am also feeling bitter about the fact that I am getting this place all on my own. No grant, no incentives and the only option is a 2 room BTO flat. I am not sure what am I paying tax for when I can't enjoy a single grant or benefit out of anything that I have given. Is it a sin to be single? Did I choose to be a single? Perhaps subconsciously I might have sent out a resistance signal like do not come near to me. I am still in the midst of making a decision whether to offer for a unit that I have set my eyes on. The only deterrent is that it's facing the main road and the noise level is incredibly loud though it becomes a complete silence when the windows are closed. But advises are to look for a few other units, better still if it's within walking distance to the mrt. This will mean another 50k to 70k more to this current unit ...

Just had a call with someone I got to know online. And it makes me think there many who are consumed by their physical desires that they are not listening or just give in to their flesh. It's a kind of selfishness when you insist on having your way and making the other person uncomfortable or ignoring the other person's feeling. One thing I have learnt when I met a guy in taiwan, despite the fact that he is rather keen or has the need to release his desires, he didn't insist or force his will on me. Thank God for that! Probably the Almighty helped curb the fire within the guy. But the local guys here, there hasn't been one who knows how to respect me. Not sure for whatsoever reason, they have no manners in either treating me right or rejecting me in the right way. Not that I want to carry this disgusted perception of the guys here, but time and again, I have been disappointed and let down. When I think this is the most normal man I have met by far after a lon...

I had a tiff with my brother on Christmas day and hasn't been talking nor hugging him since. I guess maybe it's time to wean off from each other. We have been too close. Now that he has a girlfriend and possible future wife, he no longer belongs to me. So I guess it's time to really be emotionally independent. I am a little sad and lonely, still I am happy that my brother found his soulmate. However, I have become more resentful towards God. I don't expect Him to answer all my prayers but to help me fulfill 2 dreams. Have I focused too much on lamenting that I am not doing anything? After all these years, I am still back to square one, crying over that 2 dreams that I was once hopeful of and always think that i will have my chance or turn. Now I want to shed off those dreams that have made me miserable for too long and often make me forgetful of the many good things that have happened. 2014 has been a great year. I am thankful that I left my last job without ...

My life has been a drama, though it may not be as drama as some others who have experienced or is experiencing. Drama #1 - during poly, my BFF got together with the guy I like Drama #2 - I rejected the guy I like because I wasn't ready. He is now happily married. Drama #3 - The guy I liked later did the same thing that I did to the guy in Drama #2. Drama #4 - I liked another guy and we got along quite well. We even when on a trip together with some other friends and shared a room. Drama #5 - Resignation is a common thing. But to have my emotions involved, it's the first. Dream #1 - visit australia. Achieved when I was 17 yrs old Dream #2 - to visit Dead Sea, achieved in 2005 Dream #3 - to go on long holiday. Achieved in 2008 when I went on a 2-3 weeks trip to Korea. Achieved in 2009 when I went to the USA with my brother Dream #4 - Work holiday. To be achieved in my dream in April this year in Taiwan. But now I am thinking if I should go ahead with the work holiday b...

Nowadays, knowing friends getting attached or married seem to have much less impact on my emotions. I don't feel good still but what I feel now is like I resigned to the fact that it's just the way it is for me. Watching friends and relatives getting married, having their children, watching their children grow and myself aging in singlehood. Just today, I saw a God-niece. I still remembered her when I first saw her as an infant, toddler and today she is a 14-year old teenage young lady. The most amazing thing is that my cousin is only a year older than me. This is the dream that I always wanted to have. That at my age, I will have a upper primary kid whom both of us can relate to one another and have fun together. I always believe a smaller age gap will bring you closer to your children. The word "resigned' may seem like a helpless situation but people who knows me, will probably know that it's more of my rebellious streak that I have used this word. I am res...

Just had a great gathering with my high school friends at lunch. Went facial, meet them, catch up at one of their house, went for massage. All seems great until my friend said he's not coming for the Xmas drama. Fairy tales just doesn't happen to me. There are just too many disappointments that I have accumulated in my life. So much that a slight rejection makes me feels emotional and upset. Makes me think again, nothing really goes right for me when it comes to both spiritual and matters of the heart. I have lost every bit of trust that my prayers are ever heard. Though it's not about my prayers are unanswered but it's makes me emotionally and mentally imbalanced when everyone's else prayers are answered. I am very very emotional now. Feels like I am being chucked at a corner.

I was reading back the posts almost 8 years back and realised that even then, when I am discouraged, I always look back to the Word for strength and courage.  Trying to hang on the God's every word and believing with all my heart that things will be better, I will overcome and can overcome. Nightmares will be over and sweet dreams will over take. But now, I am totally running away, not willing to face Him nor my responsibilities as a child of God. I am wretched, and I need the realisation of the amazing grace of God and His patience. My stubbornness has led me into a lifestyle of rebellion and thus, witchcraft. 1 Samuel 15:23 New Living Translation (NLT) 23  Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,      and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the  Lord ,      he has rejected you as king.” My mind has become dull as I allow faithless to c...

It feels nice to be surrounded by the male species. It feels better to be protected by them. It feels great to have their warmth touch. Makes me feel so lonely and that it doesn't seem that I ever will experience or encounter a man who will protect me and also be experience his warm touch/hugs. It's been a long time since I have been hugged by my dad or even held my hands.

If Iron Man gets panic attack despite of being 'invincible", I won't be able to run away from such an attack. Fear of the future, fear of getting what I finally wish for, fear of gaining one and losing another, fear of not living my life properly and wasting it away. The last is what I am doing right now. I am tempted by money, I am tempted to have more of it so that I can do what I need to do or want to do. I don't believe in love, it is undependable. Agape, what is that? I have always felt abandoned and left aside, that's not for me. It's for someone else who hang on to such hope. I am a living zombie and going to church is more of a duty now than a worship.

With my brother and father working out of the country, I am left with my mum. So far, so good, she has been quite independent and hardly calls me during office now. So far, so good as in she's not constantly disturbing me at work. Yet I am not sure if this is a good sign or she is coping well with the 2 most important men away from her. Every day she will say I am her beloved and she loves me. She will give me a good night kiss. She is definitely much more expressive now than compared before she had a relapse. I have a problem receiving love. Though my mum says that she loves me, I don't quite trust her love. But if my brother says he loves me, I definitely receive it well. I can't even receive God's love well, I don't quite trust His love as well. Yes, Jesus died for my sins so that I can be saved and be reconciled with the Heavenly Father. But to me that's about it, the rest of the promises are terms and conditions. Yes, love is unconditional b...

Simple but nice. I like this design. The previous design speaks of the mood I have, this speaks of what I think. Everything look so plain and simple on the outside but when you take a peep at my world or my thoughts, everything is like being swept messy by a typhoon. For the past 2 weeks, cg has been great and ministering but I sort of got disconnected. I guess in my subconsciousness, I disconnected myself from anything that has to do with spiritual. In fact, I think it's time to stay away from people. No doubt, I have received much love and support from the leader, for being patient with all my weaknesses as well as unwillingness to move.  However, the greatest reason why I am reluctant to move is because of the hypocrisy of the friendships formed. Everything revolves around her even the friendships I have first formed. The treatment is all based on how the leader thinks it should be and said it should be. Without the leader, all these friendships are meaningless. ...

Last quarter of 2012 has been a time of traveling for me. First, I went to Korea, then onto Thailand. It has been a wonderful one-woman travel in Jeju where I met many interesting and nice people around me, I have been really blessed by the trip and the people I met. It is really fun traveling alone, more freedom and it sort of force me to be more sociable with strangers. I walked for many hours each day, to different scenic attractions, beautiful sight indeed. Really misses my "alone" time with no one else around me, I don't think about my life here in Singapore nor my spiritual walk or so-called destiny. In Seoul, I get to meet this young boy who showed me the way to "The Coffee Prince" cafe, it was simply wonderful! Expensive drinks though. After a month's break, I went to Krabi and Phuket. It was simply fun island hopping and I get to do white water rafting as well as elephant trekking. This is not so much of a relaxing holiday but still, was fun h...

Thanks to the words and intervention of those who are so interested to be part of my life and try to outline how I should live. I wish you never said anything or did anything and keep all of your mouth shut. I don't live a messed up life like those involved in drugs, gangs, heinous crimes. But I am messed up enough to wake up almost every day, thinking how different my life will be if I did what I wanted to do. If things don't go well, I have myself to blame. Now I have the excuse to blame those who has tried to dictate my life and tried to tell me what not to do in my life. Thanks to your words of fucking wisdom, I have not done anything to live a life at all. Now do you want to live my life? I give it to you! The only thing is that the life I live now cannot be transferred. Next time, if you think you have the right to intervene in someone's life and mess their future, think twice!

Loneliness can be a scary thing... I probably don't have many close friends to start with, not many shoulders I trust and lean on. The only female close friend I have is a non Christian and married. The other close friend I have is a male and married. Now it's gotten complicated because he's legally married but not customary. Nevertheless, I know it's not right. Sadly, I have friends in church but none I can really share and talk to. Seem like Christians have more burden to carry than non-Christians. I don't want to be another baggage to anyone. In fact, more than often, I find myself even more lonely in church than out of church. Sad but it's the truth. Family problems can drive me to a corner. I don't receive love from my own family, I don't know how to receive love from anywhere else. I also don't trust and believe that others will love me. To me, love is a fickle commodity. It can be here and it can disappear. It's not trust...

It's good to catch up with my good friend. But somehow the truth hasn't settled in and it still hurts and make me sad. I told him it's still upsetting because I've known him for more than a decade. But it was a good time spent. Dinner, drinks and a visit to the pub. Not much of an eye opener but still an exposure. Shared with him abt the dates I went out with.. And how disappointed I am. I am tired. My heart has bled till it's dried.... It's seems like there's no right person for me nor am I the right person to anyone else. But my good friend consoled me, the right one will come soon. I am not optimistic about it because I no longer has the energy to suffer a blow. He said I ain't ugly. Thanks, it does put a smile to my face, to have my good friend telling me that.

RENEWING OF THE MIND is the answer. Knowing the right answer doesn't mean that a person will make the right choice. "Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak", this is a common phrase heard among christians be it as an excuse, joke or reason. Looking at what Pastor is going through, what I am feeling is seriously nothing. But just as Equal Sacrifice and Unequal giving applies, so does it apply to the issues of life that one faces daily. "To each of his own" that is. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Well it depends on the priority, personality, background/experiences and belief system of the person. Not to miss out, also family and friends play an important part aka relationships. So I will appreciate if you don't inculcate what your value system onto mine. Everyone faces and handles issues of life to the best of their know-how. Currently, I need a new environment to renew my mind. Be it nonsense or not, environment to me is a key ingredient for...

Haizzzzz, why, why , why? This is the only company which I have stayed the longest ever, 4 years and 3 months 2 weeks. I don't know to be sad or to be happy. But it has been a nightmare for the past months, I just want to get out of here as soon as possible. It's not the work stress but it's the mental stress of people keep bugging me all the time. Really, each of us have our scope to handle daily and there's only that much to handle. Besides, there is no consistency in the priority. Priority is when people jump at you and each time when a different issue starts to ensue, priority changes. It's irritating and stressful. Especially when the person is rude and sounds irritated all the time. Enough is enough. I need deliverance if I work with this person any longer. In fact, I think I do need to release quite abit of anger. Emotionally I am whacked in the inside, not helping when I am a melancholic. I am sad to leave this place. It has very nice culture and environ...