Past posts

I was reading back the posts almost 8 years back and realised that even then, when I am discouraged, I always look back to the Word for strength and courage. 

Trying to hang on the God's every word and believing with all my heart that things will be better, I will overcome and can overcome. Nightmares will be over and sweet dreams will over take.

But now, I am totally running away, not willing to face Him nor my responsibilities as a child of God. I am wretched, and I need the realisation of the amazing grace of God and His patience.

My stubbornness has led me into a lifestyle of rebellion and thus, witchcraft.

1 Samuel 15:23

New Living Translation (NLT)
23 Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,
    and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols.
So because you have rejected the command of the Lord,
    he has rejected you as king.”

My mind has become dull as I allow faithless to continue to dwell and take over the word of God in my life. I have allowed doubts and rebellion to drown the first voice of God. And now, I want to escape from Him. It's stupid and silly, I know. 

How do I ever escape from the Creator of the Universe when He is omnipresent?

Proverbs 19:3

New Living Translation (NLT)
3 People ruin their lives by their own foolishness
    and then are angry at the Lord.

Yea, I know. So often, we make excuses to blame God, after all, it's the easy way out for most Christians and non-Christians, alike. Whatever Atheists say, they don't believe there is a God. Why is that so? As much as they don't like it, it's a subtle dissatisfaction that there is no one who has lent a helping hand in their life. Probably, in the depth of their inward being, there was a subconscious shout for help from a Higher being whom they couldn't see the invisible hand that has stretched out. They have taken for granted that their wisdom is from themselves, their resilient is their own strength. Is that really so? Beats me, only they will know. I have never really believed that base on mere human strength, we can hang on for a season of time.

Well, that's not really a debate I will like to go into. It's just my point of view, though some may beg to differ. I do accept differences in opinions. You just have to be big-hearted when comes to sharing views and not be petty. And boy, have I met these people and they get offended, when really, they are the ones who wants to hear your views. Petty!

So back to my life as a prodigal child. Indeed, I don't want to be lost forever but I also have no wish to go back into the nightmare of ministry. Period. 

My cgl said I need to learn how to forgive others. I personally believe I do not hold any grudges towards any person though I admit I am badly traumatised by the bad experiences I have. It's a pride issue, and I am not willing to live a life in humiliation or threat of rude attitudes.

We are adults, and it's ridiculous that one has to go through the tantrums of disgruntled individual. Come on, you are not a kid! Be an adult, and just say what you are so disgruntled about and we learn to improve on ourselves.

Hmmm, have I just expressed anger? I did, didn't I? I forgave but I just need to learn how to let go. But it doesn't seem like I have learnt how to let go. I am another disgruntled individual who's not willing to vent my frustrations on another, rather, I chose an extreme path - giving up the ministry altogether. Dangerous and a path that will lead to regrets?

I do not wish to think far but to enjoy the moment of fake freedom that I currently enjoy.







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