Growing up

With my brother and father working out of the country, I am left with my mum.

So far, so good, she has been quite independent and hardly calls me during office now. So far, so good as in she's not constantly disturbing me at work. Yet I am not sure if this is a good sign or she is coping well with the 2 most important men away from her.

Every day she will say I am her beloved and she loves me. She will give me a good night kiss. She is definitely much more expressive now than compared before she had a relapse.

I have a problem receiving love. Though my mum says that she loves me, I don't quite trust her love. But if my brother says he loves me, I definitely receive it well. I can't even receive God's love well, I don't quite trust His love as well.

Yes, Jesus died for my sins so that I can be saved and be reconciled with the Heavenly Father. But to me that's about it, the rest of the promises are terms and conditions. Yes, love is unconditional but promises are conditional.

Ask and it shall be given, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened unto you. Where do I seek from? Without knowing where to seek from, where can I find the door to knock onto so that it can be open?

You receive not, because you ask not. I asked but someone else always receives. Not that I don't want the person to be blessed, but this has made me psychologically distressed and emotionally depressing. I feel like if this happens any further, I will have a mental breakdown. I feel like a fool and unloved. I feel as if I have been given a ride or treated like a fool.

The only 2 things I have ever wanted badly in life - study in australia and finding a partner. Every one or at least most of those whom I know has gone and came back from studying in Australia. This is not the main reason why i want to go but seriously, it has always been my childhood desire. Hoping that this dream will be fulfilled but never did. I gave this up, not without struggle. Then I am always hoping that I will meet someone special in my life.

1. My cousin who was a year older, got married at 22 years old
2. My good friend subsequently got married, colleagues, schoolmates, church friends, etc
3. the only man i trusted got marrid
4. cell group member got attached

Every one seems to be meeting someone special and a trustworthy man. Everyone else except for me. Those around me who did not, to me, it's their choice. 

I don't find myself having much choices because I am not normal. During sec sch or poly, i discovered I have neurofibromatosis. It wasn't as bad but in recent years, more lumps are appearing. I discovered 2 small ones on my face.

I researched about it but found out that, I am very blessed and fortunate that my condition is many times more controlled compared to most cases out there. Still, I read stories about people who has such condition getting married, having children, having a normal love life. But what is wrong with me? Because I am an asian? I am born in a perfectionist chinese culture where flaws are not excepted?

I don't know. I have no answers and God wouldn't give me. In fact, I don't need any answers, I only want someone who will love and accept me for being who I am besides the intangible God.

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