Immune
Nowadays, knowing friends getting attached or married seem to have much less impact on my emotions. I don't feel good still but what I feel now is like I resigned to the fact that it's just the way it is for me.
Watching friends and relatives getting married, having their children, watching their children grow and myself aging in singlehood.
Just today, I saw a God-niece. I still remembered her when I first saw her as an infant, toddler and today she is a 14-year old teenage young lady. The most amazing thing is that my cousin is only a year older than me. This is the dream that I always wanted to have. That at my age, I will have a upper primary kid whom both of us can relate to one another and have fun together. I always believe a smaller age gap will bring you closer to your children.
The word "resigned' may seem like a helpless situation but people who knows me, will probably know that it's more of my rebellious streak that I have used this word. I am resigned because there is nothing I can do even though I very much want to change the situation and have it my way. It's a sign that, ' I let you win but that doesn't mean that I am a sporty loser but just means that I am a sore loser. I want nothing to do with whoever or whatever makes me feel like I have lost and have no control over my life.
And this is also the key reason why I have stopped praying and trusting because it simply does nothing to help me. To me, this is what God has planned for my life and whatever is happening is a manipulation. I am angry and bitter because I always believed that without NF, I will definitely be able to find a partner without a worry nor concern. With NF, I am very conscious. My freckles are seriously everywhere and lumps are developing. Though I have seen much serious case than mine, I cannot help but think that because of NF, I am going to stay single forever. I don't think I will ever have the confidence to show my true self in front of any potential partner, I will seriously freak out.
And yes, so I have kept myself immune from being depress whenever someone is attached, getting married or pregnant. Because it no longer matters, NF will always be around to haunt me. It's pointless wasting my energy. I want to believe in healing but in my growing years, I only see good things happen to others.
Of course, my life is getting better now. A stable job, higher salary, able to travel once a year. Well, that's the only consolation in my life.
Watching friends and relatives getting married, having their children, watching their children grow and myself aging in singlehood.
Just today, I saw a God-niece. I still remembered her when I first saw her as an infant, toddler and today she is a 14-year old teenage young lady. The most amazing thing is that my cousin is only a year older than me. This is the dream that I always wanted to have. That at my age, I will have a upper primary kid whom both of us can relate to one another and have fun together. I always believe a smaller age gap will bring you closer to your children.
The word "resigned' may seem like a helpless situation but people who knows me, will probably know that it's more of my rebellious streak that I have used this word. I am resigned because there is nothing I can do even though I very much want to change the situation and have it my way. It's a sign that, ' I let you win but that doesn't mean that I am a sporty loser but just means that I am a sore loser. I want nothing to do with whoever or whatever makes me feel like I have lost and have no control over my life.
And this is also the key reason why I have stopped praying and trusting because it simply does nothing to help me. To me, this is what God has planned for my life and whatever is happening is a manipulation. I am angry and bitter because I always believed that without NF, I will definitely be able to find a partner without a worry nor concern. With NF, I am very conscious. My freckles are seriously everywhere and lumps are developing. Though I have seen much serious case than mine, I cannot help but think that because of NF, I am going to stay single forever. I don't think I will ever have the confidence to show my true self in front of any potential partner, I will seriously freak out.
And yes, so I have kept myself immune from being depress whenever someone is attached, getting married or pregnant. Because it no longer matters, NF will always be around to haunt me. It's pointless wasting my energy. I want to believe in healing but in my growing years, I only see good things happen to others.
Of course, my life is getting better now. A stable job, higher salary, able to travel once a year. Well, that's the only consolation in my life.
