@lly's Haven

It's no doubt that I am struggling with my faith, with ministry, with my perception of ministry and who God is. I think to myself what is it that I am not letting go, why do I choose to hold back and why do I stand still at the same point?

I have finally concluded the purchase of the resale flat. An area that I have never expected to move to and I hope that this isn't an emotional decision. Even if it was, it's with logical search process from a part of Singapore to another. It started from Macpherson, Tanah Merah, Bedok, and places I have considered were Yio Chu Kang, AMK, and Bishan. And atlas, I turned my eyes towards Choa Chu Kang and finally to Jalan Teck Whye. As I look at the surrounding, the more I am very happy with my choice of purchase. Front view is unblock as the land is occupied by landed properties. It's quite windy most of the time. There is a little flaw. Initially, I thought the unit looks big, now that I am going through the layout for renovation work, it's not as big as I thought it is though the floor area is 100sqm. Nevertheless, I am excited but at the same time, afraid that the renovation may not turn out to be as nice it should be. I pray that God will give the contrac...

It's such a good day that I get to meet my good friend, Xueling and her eldest daughter today. Finally, Hui hui managed to meet up with us after so many years!! I am very delighted and happy to see so many long time friends though it's just 2 of them. I am glad that Li Lian was there with me. I won't feel so out of place. These few weeks I kept having the maternal instinct. I don't I really want to have a man in my life, I want a man probably so that I can have my own kid. I play with the idea of looking for a sperm donor, a man who offers himself to help me achieve my dream. Seeing them with their kids, though it's not easy but it's definitely fulfilling. These days loneliness is creeping on me especially now that brother is getting married this year end. I finally found a house but nothing is finalized until I complete the resale application and do up my house nicely. I just hope to have a simple, cozy house and also future good tenants who are respons...

I am excited about getting a place of my own. At the same time, I am lamenting the fact how little options or chances are given to singles. I am also feeling bitter about the fact that I am getting this place all on my own. No grant, no incentives and the only option is a 2 room BTO flat. I am not sure what am I paying tax for when I can't enjoy a single grant or benefit out of anything that I have given. Is it a sin to be single? Did I choose to be a single? Perhaps subconsciously I might have sent out a resistance signal like do not come near to me. I am still in the midst of making a decision whether to offer for a unit that I have set my eyes on. The only deterrent is that it's facing the main road and the noise level is incredibly loud though it becomes a complete silence when the windows are closed. But advises are to look for a few other units, better still if it's within walking distance to the mrt. This will mean another 50k to 70k more to this current unit ...

A prophecy that was given to me 2 weeks ago, I have no idea what it means and I don't intend to dwell too much in it. It makes no sense to me and I don't want to assume or interpret according to how I will want it to be. But this prophecy does makes sense to a friend who just recently got married and I got to know she's already 26 weeks pregnant. Only to know that she was already with child before her marriage. I was surprised because it didn't cross my mind that she will have sex before marriage. Or was she already engaged, I can't remember. Now that I remember, no wonder she has asked me about ROM and customary marriage. I have said as long as you are officially registered as a couple, you are ,arrived in the eyes of law and I supposed God. There are people who register their marriage and not hold any customary wedding lunch or dinner. So, yea, I guess they did not have pre marital sex in this sense. So back to a branch that bears fruits, I will hope that wi...

As years gone by, it's just getting darker and darker ahead. The future that I had of youth doesn't seem to be in God's plan for me and I don't  know how long more I can hang on and keep moving. There are only 2 things I want in my life, I don't ask for me but none happened. It's the end for me.

Just had a call with someone I got to know online. And it makes me think there many who are consumed by their physical desires that they are not listening or just give in to their flesh. It's a kind of selfishness when you insist on having your way and making the other person uncomfortable or ignoring the other person's feeling. One thing I have learnt when I met a guy in taiwan, despite the fact that he is rather keen or has the need to release his desires, he didn't insist or force his will on me. Thank God for that! Probably the Almighty helped curb the fire within the guy. But the local guys here, there hasn't been one who knows how to respect me. Not sure for whatsoever reason, they have no manners in either treating me right or rejecting me in the right way. Not that I want to carry this disgusted perception of the guys here, but time and again, I have been disappointed and let down. When I think this is the most normal man I have met by far after a lon...

I had a tiff with my brother on Christmas day and hasn't been talking nor hugging him since. I guess maybe it's time to wean off from each other. We have been too close. Now that he has a girlfriend and possible future wife, he no longer belongs to me. So I guess it's time to really be emotionally independent. I am a little sad and lonely, still I am happy that my brother found his soulmate. However, I have become more resentful towards God. I don't expect Him to answer all my prayers but to help me fulfill 2 dreams. Have I focused too much on lamenting that I am not doing anything? After all these years, I am still back to square one, crying over that 2 dreams that I was once hopeful of and always think that i will have my chance or turn. Now I want to shed off those dreams that have made me miserable for too long and often make me forgetful of the many good things that have happened. 2014 has been a great year. I am thankful that I left my last job without ...

After having spoke to my boss, I am distracted to continue my studies. Instead of buying house now, I may need to spend my savings on Masters. I need to be honest to myself, though I do like to learn, i have my reservations about taking a loan just to study and have the opportunity to get out of Singapore. Maybe I should just go around the world, backpacking, meet with people. Lead a carefree life. Or maybe I should commit myself to volunteer work for a year, just to refocus.  I am confused, I just want to be free from my own little world. Just hate the fact that I am limited to what I can do because of finances or circumstances. Freedom is what I want.

My younger brother is finally attached, for a few months now! I am very happy for him and I have met my prospect younger sis-in-law. Nice girl and I can see that she's quite smart. For my brother who's usually slow in respond, she must have good eyes to look at all his positive traits. I had a conversation with him last night and asked if they have kissed. And he told me that so far she has been the one taking initiative. I said it's about time he does something on his own! Having told him that, in my heart, I can't believe that my kid brother has finally grown up and going to be a man soon. They will be planning for their marriage next year. I am going to miss him. Gonna be so alone and lonely.

Honestly, I no longer wish to hope. I have decided to go ahead and buy a house. Be it HDB or a condo, and I am seriously looking around. Submitted the HLE application and pending for the result, now sending in application for a bank loan in case the application for HLE doesn't get through. I am hoping to get a condominium so that I can rent out and at the same use the facilities for swimming or gym. But it will be a financial burden if I can't rent it out immediately after TOP. Once I am settled with this, in the next 5 years after I sell my condo, I will plan to adopt a child. If I can, I will want to have 2 kids. With the sales proceed from the condo, if I do get one, I hope to be able to raise the 2 kids well with education. Nobody knows what will happen in the future but at least this is a skeleton plan I have for myself. I no longer believe in trusting and waiting, it's just bullshit.

I have no wish to go through roller coaster in life. There is still much anger within me against those who spoke that I was not ready for a relationship. They said and spoke this over me when I was in my darkest moment. I went through life feeling that I am never ready. When every possibility starts to fall apart, I felt the prophesy being fulfilled. This is what pisses me off the most. There are good prophesies but none came to past except for this deadly and detrimental prophesy that has destroyed my emotions to ever be in a relationship or marry. With each failure, I no longer wish to go through the roller coaster of hope but to face another disappointment. I have made up my mind. Now I will buy a house and next I may consider adopting a child. Probably at the age of 40 years old.

My life has been a drama, though it may not be as drama as some others who have experienced or is experiencing. Drama #1 - during poly, my BFF got together with the guy I like Drama #2 - I rejected the guy I like because I wasn't ready. He is now happily married. Drama #3 - The guy I liked later did the same thing that I did to the guy in Drama #2. Drama #4 - I liked another guy and we got along quite well. We even when on a trip together with some other friends and shared a room. Drama #5 - Resignation is a common thing. But to have my emotions involved, it's the first. Dream #1 - visit australia. Achieved when I was 17 yrs old Dream #2 - to visit Dead Sea, achieved in 2005 Dream #3 - to go on long holiday. Achieved in 2008 when I went on a 2-3 weeks trip to Korea. Achieved in 2009 when I went to the USA with my brother Dream #4 - Work holiday. To be achieved in my dream in April this year in Taiwan. But now I am thinking if I should go ahead with the work holiday b...

It was a very sweet and nice dream that I had after I saw him. A dream of sweet memories of just being with one another but of course, dream will always remain as a dream. Walt Disney says reality starts from a dream and Bible says that everything starts from having a dream that is birth forth from the spirit. To me, a dream remains a dream.

Nowadays, knowing friends getting attached or married seem to have much less impact on my emotions. I don't feel good still but what I feel now is like I resigned to the fact that it's just the way it is for me. Watching friends and relatives getting married, having their children, watching their children grow and myself aging in singlehood. Just today, I saw a God-niece. I still remembered her when I first saw her as an infant, toddler and today she is a 14-year old teenage young lady. The most amazing thing is that my cousin is only a year older than me. This is the dream that I always wanted to have. That at my age, I will have a upper primary kid whom both of us can relate to one another and have fun together. I always believe a smaller age gap will bring you closer to your children. The word "resigned' may seem like a helpless situation but people who knows me, will probably know that it's more of my rebellious streak that I have used this word. I am res...

Father, in the of Jesus, I believe that you are providing Your very best for Alison and that the man who will be united with Alison in marriage has awakened to righteousness.  Father, as You have rejoiced over Jerusalem, so shall the bridegroom rejoice over Alison.  Thank You, Father, that he will love Alison as Christ loves the Church.  He will nourish, carefully protect, and cherish Alison.   Father, I believe, because he is Your best, that doubts, wavering, and insincerity are not a part of him; but he speaks forth the oracles of God, acknowledging Your full counsel with all wisdom and knowledge.  He does not speak or act contrary to the Word.  He walks totally in love, esteeming and preferring other higher than himself.   Father, I believe that everything not of You shall be removed from Alison's life.  And I thank You for the perfecting of Your Word in her life that she may be thoroughly furnished unto all good works.   Father, I pr...

Just had a great gathering with my high school friends at lunch. Went facial, meet them, catch up at one of their house, went for massage. All seems great until my friend said he's not coming for the Xmas drama. Fairy tales just doesn't happen to me. There are just too many disappointments that I have accumulated in my life. So much that a slight rejection makes me feels emotional and upset. Makes me think again, nothing really goes right for me when it comes to both spiritual and matters of the heart. I have lost every bit of trust that my prayers are ever heard. Though it's not about my prayers are unanswered but it's makes me emotionally and mentally imbalanced when everyone's else prayers are answered. I am very very emotional now. Feels like I am being chucked at a corner.

I was reading back the posts almost 8 years back and realised that even then, when I am discouraged, I always look back to the Word for strength and courage.  Trying to hang on the God's every word and believing with all my heart that things will be better, I will overcome and can overcome. Nightmares will be over and sweet dreams will over take. But now, I am totally running away, not willing to face Him nor my responsibilities as a child of God. I am wretched, and I need the realisation of the amazing grace of God and His patience. My stubbornness has led me into a lifestyle of rebellion and thus, witchcraft. 1 Samuel 15:23 New Living Translation (NLT) 23  Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,      and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the  Lord ,      he has rejected you as king.” My mind has become dull as I allow faithless to c...

It feels nice to be surrounded by the male species. It feels better to be protected by them. It feels great to have their warmth touch. Makes me feel so lonely and that it doesn't seem that I ever will experience or encounter a man who will protect me and also be experience his warm touch/hugs. It's been a long time since I have been hugged by my dad or even held my hands.

What's my dream and passion? Honestly,longer know. Ever since graduating fron poly, I have already given up on everything. In sec school,  my dream was having all my close friends saved. They get to know God and receive salvation. Subsequently, I realised that no matter how I hard I try, it's pointless. Then I wanted to go overseas and study. I went to poly in the hope that I can go overseas for studies after graduating. Then my world came crashing when my dad got into trouble and hasto resolve using monetary method. I still believed and that there will be a way out. So I worked and studied part time, hoping that I will have a chance to perhaps go to Australia for 6-months.  Still, the low salary and non-bonus jobs I took never allowed or given me the opportunity that I looked forward to have. My aunt didn't support me. Then I moved on to wanting to have a relationship but I rejected or shun away because I want to have a christian partner. Subsequently,  my frie...