@lly's Haven

Father, in the of Jesus, I believe that you are providing Your very best for Alison and that the man who will be united with Alison in marriage has awakened to righteousness.  Father, as You have rejoiced over Jerusalem, so shall the bridegroom rejoice over Alison.  Thank You, Father, that he will love Alison as Christ loves the Church.  He will nourish, carefully protect, and cherish Alison.   Father, I believe, because he is Your best, that doubts, wavering, and insincerity are not a part of him; but he speaks forth the oracles of God, acknowledging Your full counsel with all wisdom and knowledge.  He does not speak or act contrary to the Word.  He walks totally in love, esteeming and preferring other higher than himself.   Father, I believe that everything not of You shall be removed from Alison's life.  And I thank You for the perfecting of Your Word in her life that she may be thoroughly furnished unto all good works.   Father, I pr...

Just had a great gathering with my high school friends at lunch. Went facial, meet them, catch up at one of their house, went for massage. All seems great until my friend said he's not coming for the Xmas drama. Fairy tales just doesn't happen to me. There are just too many disappointments that I have accumulated in my life. So much that a slight rejection makes me feels emotional and upset. Makes me think again, nothing really goes right for me when it comes to both spiritual and matters of the heart. I have lost every bit of trust that my prayers are ever heard. Though it's not about my prayers are unanswered but it's makes me emotionally and mentally imbalanced when everyone's else prayers are answered. I am very very emotional now. Feels like I am being chucked at a corner.

I was reading back the posts almost 8 years back and realised that even then, when I am discouraged, I always look back to the Word for strength and courage.  Trying to hang on the God's every word and believing with all my heart that things will be better, I will overcome and can overcome. Nightmares will be over and sweet dreams will over take. But now, I am totally running away, not willing to face Him nor my responsibilities as a child of God. I am wretched, and I need the realisation of the amazing grace of God and His patience. My stubbornness has led me into a lifestyle of rebellion and thus, witchcraft. 1 Samuel 15:23 New Living Translation (NLT) 23  Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,      and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the  Lord ,      he has rejected you as king.” My mind has become dull as I allow faithless to c...

It feels nice to be surrounded by the male species. It feels better to be protected by them. It feels great to have their warmth touch. Makes me feel so lonely and that it doesn't seem that I ever will experience or encounter a man who will protect me and also be experience his warm touch/hugs. It's been a long time since I have been hugged by my dad or even held my hands.

What's my dream and passion? Honestly,longer know. Ever since graduating fron poly, I have already given up on everything. In sec school,  my dream was having all my close friends saved. They get to know God and receive salvation. Subsequently, I realised that no matter how I hard I try, it's pointless. Then I wanted to go overseas and study. I went to poly in the hope that I can go overseas for studies after graduating. Then my world came crashing when my dad got into trouble and hasto resolve using monetary method. I still believed and that there will be a way out. So I worked and studied part time, hoping that I will have a chance to perhaps go to Australia for 6-months.  Still, the low salary and non-bonus jobs I took never allowed or given me the opportunity that I looked forward to have. My aunt didn't support me. Then I moved on to wanting to have a relationship but I rejected or shun away because I want to have a christian partner. Subsequently,  my frie...

Sometimes I wonder is forgiveness and resentment, are they the same? May not be but somehow they are closely related I believe. If forgiveness stays, resentment will start to grow. So I have many resentments now, I felt victimized. Like I'm just a medium to help track the steps of my leader. It disgusts me and makes me disinterested to even treat those as my friends.  A real friend don't call you only when they need to look for another person but calls you because you are a friend. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. Since I'm only recognised as a tracker,  I shan't treat such people as friends. If they don't know how to respect me as a friend, I don't see the need of seeing them as my friend.Acquaintances perhaps. I may seem aloof but that's not all true. I keep in contact with those who see me as their friends.

If Iron Man gets panic attack despite of being 'invincible", I won't be able to run away from such an attack. Fear of the future, fear of getting what I finally wish for, fear of gaining one and losing another, fear of not living my life properly and wasting it away. The last is what I am doing right now. I am tempted by money, I am tempted to have more of it so that I can do what I need to do or want to do. I don't believe in love, it is undependable. Agape, what is that? I have always felt abandoned and left aside, that's not for me. It's for someone else who hang on to such hope. I am a living zombie and going to church is more of a duty now than a worship.

With my brother and father working out of the country, I am left with my mum. So far, so good, she has been quite independent and hardly calls me during office now. So far, so good as in she's not constantly disturbing me at work. Yet I am not sure if this is a good sign or she is coping well with the 2 most important men away from her. Every day she will say I am her beloved and she loves me. She will give me a good night kiss. She is definitely much more expressive now than compared before she had a relapse. I have a problem receiving love. Though my mum says that she loves me, I don't quite trust her love. But if my brother says he loves me, I definitely receive it well. I can't even receive God's love well, I don't quite trust His love as well. Yes, Jesus died for my sins so that I can be saved and be reconciled with the Heavenly Father. But to me that's about it, the rest of the promises are terms and conditions. Yes, love is unconditional b...

Year by year, 14th Feb passes by without anyone special and somehow the heart gets colder as well. There's no more expectation nor yearning of youth, but just another lonely day when most couples will probably say sweet nothings to each other, create a romantic atmosphere to advance to the next phase in their relationship, men to show their love and sincerity (though every day or moment the man and woman should be showing/expressing their love to each other), man to propose to his girlfriend, single friends to gather together and console or keep each other company. I don't even know why I am writing this blog. Just bored and nothing to do while re-watching one of the korean dramas ad hearing my father keep ranting, ranting and ranting. Such a complainer. Loser in life.

Simple but nice. I like this design. The previous design speaks of the mood I have, this speaks of what I think. Everything look so plain and simple on the outside but when you take a peep at my world or my thoughts, everything is like being swept messy by a typhoon. For the past 2 weeks, cg has been great and ministering but I sort of got disconnected. I guess in my subconsciousness, I disconnected myself from anything that has to do with spiritual. In fact, I think it's time to stay away from people. No doubt, I have received much love and support from the leader, for being patient with all my weaknesses as well as unwillingness to move.  However, the greatest reason why I am reluctant to move is because of the hypocrisy of the friendships formed. Everything revolves around her even the friendships I have first formed. The treatment is all based on how the leader thinks it should be and said it should be. Without the leader, all these friendships are meaningless. ...

Last quarter of 2012 has been a time of traveling for me. First, I went to Korea, then onto Thailand. It has been a wonderful one-woman travel in Jeju where I met many interesting and nice people around me, I have been really blessed by the trip and the people I met. It is really fun traveling alone, more freedom and it sort of force me to be more sociable with strangers. I walked for many hours each day, to different scenic attractions, beautiful sight indeed. Really misses my "alone" time with no one else around me, I don't think about my life here in Singapore nor my spiritual walk or so-called destiny. In Seoul, I get to meet this young boy who showed me the way to "The Coffee Prince" cafe, it was simply wonderful! Expensive drinks though. After a month's break, I went to Krabi and Phuket. It was simply fun island hopping and I get to do white water rafting as well as elephant trekking. This is not so much of a relaxing holiday but still, was fun h...

My heart doesn't seem to be beating for any body or any one, except for my brother. He's now in Sydney and probably, You are teaching me how to be independent and be only dependent on You. But I don't find You dependable as well, the Word says I will get to know Your thoughts. Honestly, I don't find myself really knowing or understanding the Word. It doesn't work in 99% of my life or maybe 80%, given 20% relates to work. I don't even know how to love or like any body now. To me, the male species is the most detestable, again, except for my brother.Though sometimes he does irritates me, but I still like him to be my brother. I know he will never let me down nor abandon me.

Thanks to the words and intervention of those who are so interested to be part of my life and try to outline how I should live. I wish you never said anything or did anything and keep all of your mouth shut. I don't live a messed up life like those involved in drugs, gangs, heinous crimes. But I am messed up enough to wake up almost every day, thinking how different my life will be if I did what I wanted to do. If things don't go well, I have myself to blame. Now I have the excuse to blame those who has tried to dictate my life and tried to tell me what not to do in my life. Thanks to your words of fucking wisdom, I have not done anything to live a life at all. Now do you want to live my life? I give it to you! The only thing is that the life I live now cannot be transferred. Next time, if you think you have the right to intervene in someone's life and mess their future, think twice!

Loneliness can be a scary thing... I probably don't have many close friends to start with, not many shoulders I trust and lean on. The only female close friend I have is a non Christian and married. The other close friend I have is a male and married. Now it's gotten complicated because he's legally married but not customary. Nevertheless, I know it's not right. Sadly, I have friends in church but none I can really share and talk to. Seem like Christians have more burden to carry than non-Christians. I don't want to be another baggage to anyone. In fact, more than often, I find myself even more lonely in church than out of church. Sad but it's the truth. Family problems can drive me to a corner. I don't receive love from my own family, I don't know how to receive love from anywhere else. I also don't trust and believe that others will love me. To me, love is a fickle commodity. It can be here and it can disappear. It's not trust...

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