@lly's Haven

Sometimes I wonder is forgiveness and resentment, are they the same? May not be but somehow they are closely related I believe. If forgiveness stays, resentment will start to grow. So I have many resentments now, I felt victimized. Like I'm just a medium to help track the steps of my leader. It disgusts me and makes me disinterested to even treat those as my friends.  A real friend don't call you only when they need to look for another person but calls you because you are a friend. Do unto others what you want others to do unto you. Since I'm only recognised as a tracker,  I shan't treat such people as friends. If they don't know how to respect me as a friend, I don't see the need of seeing them as my friend.Acquaintances perhaps. I may seem aloof but that's not all true. I keep in contact with those who see me as their friends.

If Iron Man gets panic attack despite of being 'invincible", I won't be able to run away from such an attack. Fear of the future, fear of getting what I finally wish for, fear of gaining one and losing another, fear of not living my life properly and wasting it away. The last is what I am doing right now. I am tempted by money, I am tempted to have more of it so that I can do what I need to do or want to do. I don't believe in love, it is undependable. Agape, what is that? I have always felt abandoned and left aside, that's not for me. It's for someone else who hang on to such hope. I am a living zombie and going to church is more of a duty now than a worship.

With my brother and father working out of the country, I am left with my mum. So far, so good, she has been quite independent and hardly calls me during office now. So far, so good as in she's not constantly disturbing me at work. Yet I am not sure if this is a good sign or she is coping well with the 2 most important men away from her. Every day she will say I am her beloved and she loves me. She will give me a good night kiss. She is definitely much more expressive now than compared before she had a relapse. I have a problem receiving love. Though my mum says that she loves me, I don't quite trust her love. But if my brother says he loves me, I definitely receive it well. I can't even receive God's love well, I don't quite trust His love as well. Yes, Jesus died for my sins so that I can be saved and be reconciled with the Heavenly Father. But to me that's about it, the rest of the promises are terms and conditions. Yes, love is unconditional b...

Year by year, 14th Feb passes by without anyone special and somehow the heart gets colder as well. There's no more expectation nor yearning of youth, but just another lonely day when most couples will probably say sweet nothings to each other, create a romantic atmosphere to advance to the next phase in their relationship, men to show their love and sincerity (though every day or moment the man and woman should be showing/expressing their love to each other), man to propose to his girlfriend, single friends to gather together and console or keep each other company. I don't even know why I am writing this blog. Just bored and nothing to do while re-watching one of the korean dramas ad hearing my father keep ranting, ranting and ranting. Such a complainer. Loser in life.

Simple but nice. I like this design. The previous design speaks of the mood I have, this speaks of what I think. Everything look so plain and simple on the outside but when you take a peep at my world or my thoughts, everything is like being swept messy by a typhoon. For the past 2 weeks, cg has been great and ministering but I sort of got disconnected. I guess in my subconsciousness, I disconnected myself from anything that has to do with spiritual. In fact, I think it's time to stay away from people. No doubt, I have received much love and support from the leader, for being patient with all my weaknesses as well as unwillingness to move.  However, the greatest reason why I am reluctant to move is because of the hypocrisy of the friendships formed. Everything revolves around her even the friendships I have first formed. The treatment is all based on how the leader thinks it should be and said it should be. Without the leader, all these friendships are meaningless. ...

Last quarter of 2012 has been a time of traveling for me. First, I went to Korea, then onto Thailand. It has been a wonderful one-woman travel in Jeju where I met many interesting and nice people around me, I have been really blessed by the trip and the people I met. It is really fun traveling alone, more freedom and it sort of force me to be more sociable with strangers. I walked for many hours each day, to different scenic attractions, beautiful sight indeed. Really misses my "alone" time with no one else around me, I don't think about my life here in Singapore nor my spiritual walk or so-called destiny. In Seoul, I get to meet this young boy who showed me the way to "The Coffee Prince" cafe, it was simply wonderful! Expensive drinks though. After a month's break, I went to Krabi and Phuket. It was simply fun island hopping and I get to do white water rafting as well as elephant trekking. This is not so much of a relaxing holiday but still, was fun h...

My heart doesn't seem to be beating for any body or any one, except for my brother. He's now in Sydney and probably, You are teaching me how to be independent and be only dependent on You. But I don't find You dependable as well, the Word says I will get to know Your thoughts. Honestly, I don't find myself really knowing or understanding the Word. It doesn't work in 99% of my life or maybe 80%, given 20% relates to work. I don't even know how to love or like any body now. To me, the male species is the most detestable, again, except for my brother.Though sometimes he does irritates me, but I still like him to be my brother. I know he will never let me down nor abandon me.

Thanks to the words and intervention of those who are so interested to be part of my life and try to outline how I should live. I wish you never said anything or did anything and keep all of your mouth shut. I don't live a messed up life like those involved in drugs, gangs, heinous crimes. But I am messed up enough to wake up almost every day, thinking how different my life will be if I did what I wanted to do. If things don't go well, I have myself to blame. Now I have the excuse to blame those who has tried to dictate my life and tried to tell me what not to do in my life. Thanks to your words of fucking wisdom, I have not done anything to live a life at all. Now do you want to live my life? I give it to you! The only thing is that the life I live now cannot be transferred. Next time, if you think you have the right to intervene in someone's life and mess their future, think twice!

Loneliness can be a scary thing... I probably don't have many close friends to start with, not many shoulders I trust and lean on. The only female close friend I have is a non Christian and married. The other close friend I have is a male and married. Now it's gotten complicated because he's legally married but not customary. Nevertheless, I know it's not right. Sadly, I have friends in church but none I can really share and talk to. Seem like Christians have more burden to carry than non-Christians. I don't want to be another baggage to anyone. In fact, more than often, I find myself even more lonely in church than out of church. Sad but it's the truth. Family problems can drive me to a corner. I don't receive love from my own family, I don't know how to receive love from anywhere else. I also don't trust and believe that others will love me. To me, love is a fickle commodity. It can be here and it can disappear. It's not trust...

作 曲：奧斯卡 填詞：馬嵩惟 編曲：奧斯卡 我說多傷人的話　鬧夠了嗎 你終於不再回答 藏在你溫柔底下　 最深的傷 疤 原來什麼話　 傻 總是退讓的你裝聾作啞為我擔心受怕 卻在你最最需要我的時候我還說等一下 請別走　 心痛我 我才學懂得 你的守候　 我狠狠劃破 那些錯我　 用生命來救 愛沒走　 你包容我再度揮霍  你能不能再次看看我  別無所求只要 你回頭  別無所求只要你回頭　喔　~  雨又下的那麼大　天黑了嗎 貪黑的你回去哪 我看不見你掙扎　 忽略你說話 愛才漸漸 平凡 我一個人回家那張沙發原來有這麼大 確定你以後想笑的思念　 我都是沒辦法 請別走　 後悔的最笨的是我 你 的脆弱　 我不斷錯過 沒發現你　 你比我寂寞 愛沒走　 失去你　我丟了所有 從今以後　 不死心的我 牽起你的手　重新愛過 牽 起你的手　重新愛過　 重新愛過

I heard, that your settled down. That you, found a girl and your married now. I heard that your dreams came true. Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you. Old friend, why are you so shy? It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the lie. I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited. But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it. I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded, That for me, it isn't over. Nevermind, I'll find someone like you. I wish nothing but the best, for you too. Don't forget me, I beg, I remember you said:- "Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead" Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah. You'd know, how the time flies. Only yesterday, was the time of our lives. We were born and raised in a summery haze. Bound by the surprise of our glory days. Adele Someone Like You lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/adele-someone-li...

希望: 可以不理知　　  可以自私 為所欲為 可以把時間到專 敢敢把愛情搶回來, 即使已婚

Why have I become who I am today? Pastors will say, " You have a choice who you want to become." I will say, "I am up to my limits, and pushed far beyond what I can bear. There's no love, no concern, no positive words, nothing. There's nowhere to replenish the lack I have within my emotions. I need to defend myself." I do not like the present self, but I am to my wits' end. Nothing I do is ever enough, and everything is about money. Why don't I pay rent then and pretend to be strangers? I will be happy to be treated like a stranger and stop bothering me. In fact, they should think why have I treated them the way I did.

沉重的心，悲伤的心，无可奈何 这么脆弱的心，快要爆炸了。 神啊，救救我吧！