Heartbroken for a year
It's been more than a year since we broke up. Everything was a whirlwind when we decided to be officially together on 7th July 2018 - 07/07/18. This also represents our name - QiQi.
It was a bed of roses when we were together, doing things together, having dinners. I really enjoyed having a companion, finally. Only after 1 month of our relationship, we took a step too far ahead. We lost our focus and I somehow allowed it to happened. I became weak and broke all boundaries when we were together.
The pain was excruciating when it happened the 2nd time and Cindy found out what happened. That was the end and we didn't meet after. I was crying everyday and every weekend. Whenever I pass by a familiar place, or our favorite food, my tears just flow uncontrollably. Even when we were having our CG retreat end of Nov, I received a letter before the trip. Whatever the content was, all I could remember was I couldn't control my tears for the entire trip. My tears just kept coming down from the time the van picked us up at Ching's place, to Immigration, to check-in. Everyday, I was just suppressing the pain for the entire trip.
When I came back, Cindy met with me. She asked if I had the intention to be back in a r/s with JQ. I definitely want to but I felt that it wouldn't be the right time. As much as I will like to be part of his healing process, I needed mine. Also, I don't want to play God. I am not God and I don't think I have the capacity for his warped mindset. Remembering there were times when we had certain disagreements, I find that he can twist the word of God to what he thinks is right. I am not sure how he is now. I pray that God will give him wisdom and understanding as JQ reads the Word. I pray that H/S that You will give us both wisdom and clarity whenever we read Your word. Back to his healing process, I just wanted him to change because of his conviction of sin and not to make this r/s work. Then the heart attitude would not be right, as there should be true repentance. Yet Jesus, only You can see through a man's intention and condition of the heart.
I was once again emotional when I saw a post on his FB. It just made me felt so meaningless and it angered me more when Cindy said that maybe she should contact his CGLs. I just felt crap. The last time, we had to chase after him and his leaders for a closure and now, are we supposed to do the same thing again? What role is he actively playing in this entire r/s or process to make things work? I felt that it's minimal. He can be sweet what the things he does or letters he wrote, but he is a coward that doesn't dare to face the consequences of choices or responsibility to pursue even if it means facing rejection. Does he really knows what he wants?
I am very much tempted to contact him but is it the right thing to do? May You give me and JQ clear directions. Help me to trust in Your plan that You will speak to us, speak to his leaders and mine.
It was a bed of roses when we were together, doing things together, having dinners. I really enjoyed having a companion, finally. Only after 1 month of our relationship, we took a step too far ahead. We lost our focus and I somehow allowed it to happened. I became weak and broke all boundaries when we were together.
The pain was excruciating when it happened the 2nd time and Cindy found out what happened. That was the end and we didn't meet after. I was crying everyday and every weekend. Whenever I pass by a familiar place, or our favorite food, my tears just flow uncontrollably. Even when we were having our CG retreat end of Nov, I received a letter before the trip. Whatever the content was, all I could remember was I couldn't control my tears for the entire trip. My tears just kept coming down from the time the van picked us up at Ching's place, to Immigration, to check-in. Everyday, I was just suppressing the pain for the entire trip.
When I came back, Cindy met with me. She asked if I had the intention to be back in a r/s with JQ. I definitely want to but I felt that it wouldn't be the right time. As much as I will like to be part of his healing process, I needed mine. Also, I don't want to play God. I am not God and I don't think I have the capacity for his warped mindset. Remembering there were times when we had certain disagreements, I find that he can twist the word of God to what he thinks is right. I am not sure how he is now. I pray that God will give him wisdom and understanding as JQ reads the Word. I pray that H/S that You will give us both wisdom and clarity whenever we read Your word. Back to his healing process, I just wanted him to change because of his conviction of sin and not to make this r/s work. Then the heart attitude would not be right, as there should be true repentance. Yet Jesus, only You can see through a man's intention and condition of the heart.
I was once again emotional when I saw a post on his FB. It just made me felt so meaningless and it angered me more when Cindy said that maybe she should contact his CGLs. I just felt crap. The last time, we had to chase after him and his leaders for a closure and now, are we supposed to do the same thing again? What role is he actively playing in this entire r/s or process to make things work? I felt that it's minimal. He can be sweet what the things he does or letters he wrote, but he is a coward that doesn't dare to face the consequences of choices or responsibility to pursue even if it means facing rejection. Does he really knows what he wants?
I am very much tempted to contact him but is it the right thing to do? May You give me and JQ clear directions. Help me to trust in Your plan that You will speak to us, speak to his leaders and mine.
