The Truth About Sexual Fantasies
With our brain being the largest sex organ, it's no wonder almost everyone has sexual fantasies at one time or another. In fact, about 85 percent of adult women indulge in erotic thoughts, according to Brett Kahr, a British psychotherapist and author of Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies.
Some surprising findings from his study:
Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., author of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex, agrees, "Allowing yourself to indulge in fantasy does not necessarily mean that you are dissatisfied with your partner, relationship, or sex life. They shouldn't interfere with your connection with your partner during intercourse. They are personal erotic thoughts to be enjoyed by you alone, and you don't have to share them unless you choose to."
Neither do one's fantasies inherently reflect reality. Rape fantasies, for instance, are surprisingly popular among women, but they don't indicate a secret desire for coercive sex. "It could be that there's a very passive part of you that you enjoyed in childhood, and the experience of someone dominating you, or sorting out your life for you, is pleasurable," says Kahr. Another theory is that those who feel guilty about their repressed desire seeks the idea of sex against their will, hence absolving them of responsibility.
Some fantasies that involve extreme violence, however, can be a problem, especially if there is a strong urge to act them out, which will cause harm to oneself or others. Or if they are interfering with your ability to have a satisfying relationship with your partner. "If any of these describe your experience, discuss it with your doctor or a therapist," adds Hutcherson.
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Sexual fantasies survey findings
Kahr, who conducted a large-scale study of the sexual fantasies of 23,000 adults, reveals that many people fantasize as a way to fulfill often unconscious psychological needs, and a means of exploring sexual activities inaccessible in real life.Some surprising findings from his study:
- About 90 percent of adults fantasize about someone other than the person they're having sex with
- 41 percent imagine sex with someone else's partner
- 39 percent fantasize about sex with a work colleague
- 25 percent (particularly men and young adults) fantasize about celebrities
- 18 percent of women fantasize about sex with two or more men
- 28 percent of women fantasize about sex with two men, while 58 percent fantasize about sex with two women
- 25 percent fantasize about being tied up
- 18 percent of men and 7 percent of women fantasize about spanking someone
- 11 percent of men and 13 percent of women fantasize about being spanked
- 85 percent have never shared their deepest fantasies, nor acted them out
Are fantasies normal?
Not only are sexual fantasies normal, they're also healthy. "They play an important role in boosting libido, improving relationships, and can have a therapeutic effect on our moods and confidence," Kahr notes.Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., author of What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex, agrees, "Allowing yourself to indulge in fantasy does not necessarily mean that you are dissatisfied with your partner, relationship, or sex life. They shouldn't interfere with your connection with your partner during intercourse. They are personal erotic thoughts to be enjoyed by you alone, and you don't have to share them unless you choose to."
Neither do one's fantasies inherently reflect reality. Rape fantasies, for instance, are surprisingly popular among women, but they don't indicate a secret desire for coercive sex. "It could be that there's a very passive part of you that you enjoyed in childhood, and the experience of someone dominating you, or sorting out your life for you, is pleasurable," says Kahr. Another theory is that those who feel guilty about their repressed desire seeks the idea of sex against their will, hence absolving them of responsibility.
Some fantasies that involve extreme violence, however, can be a problem, especially if there is a strong urge to act them out, which will cause harm to oneself or others. Or if they are interfering with your ability to have a satisfying relationship with your partner. "If any of these describe your experience, discuss it with your doctor or a therapist," adds Hutcherson.
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