Just another day
As I grow older, birthday is just another day. Since I was 21 years old, birthdays as less and less meaning to me though I still value it since it was the day I was born. But then since 3 years back, it has depreciate in value as well.
I don't say that to demean myself or God's creation but seriously, it has become quite meaningless. I just don't know what to do with birthday. To me, it's just another ordinary day and a reminder of what my achievement-less, unfulfilled dreams, the passing of time until death comes or Jesus' return.
As I grow older, I must admit I become more self-centred, everything else becomes what I want, what I need, what I want to do - it's all about my own personal needs, wants, goals, visions. Nothing really involve others or God. The only thing that involves others is my life partner.
I have many friends who sent me their well wishes, greetings and blessings. Thank you so much! It has been an encouragement from many through the SMSes. My good friend called to sing to me, met another for dinner when she thought my birthday was on the 27th and lastly, another sister called me. Thank you!
These days my emotions get a little unstable, it's been like this for the past few years whenever it's a New year or my birthday. Like I mentioned earlier on, my sentiments alike with Solomon - Nothing is new under or over the sun. Everything is just vanity.
And then there's the thought of another year of alone-ness. I am very happy my cousin is back but he confuses me further when he held my hand to cross the road. Am I a little gal that I need him to hold my hands to cross the road?
I am very tempted to ask him to bring me to Australia. But nope, I don't really think this is a good idea. Will anything good come out of this? Don't think so. I have lived my life without him for the first 14 years and for the last 10 years. It doesn't matter if he goes back again. Of course, I have this fantasy that he will ask me to go back Australia with him.
There's nothing to hold me back besides my family. To me, leaving my family in Singapore, doesn't makes much of a difference if I marry a foreign husband. After all, I will still need to leave them if I ever marry a non-Singaporean like my friend who married her distance relative who's a Australian-born Chinese.
The pasture may not be greener on the other side, but you will never know without trying or stepping into a new pasture. I mean the most you just return to the pasture you once lived in, what is there to lose?
Tarry before the promise of God. How long more? I am sorry to say that I am running out of patience. I told my CGL on Monday night, I have no more patience if it's gonna be another 10 years. I don't even need Him to keep His promise if it's gonna take that long. What's the point? I'd be 40.
40 years to Him is still a day, a 100 years is still a day. So what if I live up to a hundred years old, I don't live to a thousand years to make a day for the promise to come to pass.
Yes, I am being pessimistic. I don't really hope much these years, with hope comes disappointment and impatience. So I don't really live expecting much to happen, so that when it doesn't happen, it doesn't has much impact on me. If it does, praise the Lord, Amen!
So what about seek first the Kingdom of God? Sorry, I do whatever I can, or possible within my own limitations. I don't want to feel bad or guilty for not being able to do much for You. And yes, I am pretty much like the man with a talent, dug a hole and hid it for fear of his master. May your grace be with me.
Pretty melancholic at this moment. Need to go and pray and ask God for a word for my birthday. Though it's over, but I am sure He knows that 17th is my birthday. :)
I don't say that to demean myself or God's creation but seriously, it has become quite meaningless. I just don't know what to do with birthday. To me, it's just another ordinary day and a reminder of what my achievement-less, unfulfilled dreams, the passing of time until death comes or Jesus' return.
As I grow older, I must admit I become more self-centred, everything else becomes what I want, what I need, what I want to do - it's all about my own personal needs, wants, goals, visions. Nothing really involve others or God. The only thing that involves others is my life partner.
I have many friends who sent me their well wishes, greetings and blessings. Thank you so much! It has been an encouragement from many through the SMSes. My good friend called to sing to me, met another for dinner when she thought my birthday was on the 27th and lastly, another sister called me. Thank you!
These days my emotions get a little unstable, it's been like this for the past few years whenever it's a New year or my birthday. Like I mentioned earlier on, my sentiments alike with Solomon - Nothing is new under or over the sun. Everything is just vanity.
And then there's the thought of another year of alone-ness. I am very happy my cousin is back but he confuses me further when he held my hand to cross the road. Am I a little gal that I need him to hold my hands to cross the road?
I am very tempted to ask him to bring me to Australia. But nope, I don't really think this is a good idea. Will anything good come out of this? Don't think so. I have lived my life without him for the first 14 years and for the last 10 years. It doesn't matter if he goes back again. Of course, I have this fantasy that he will ask me to go back Australia with him.
There's nothing to hold me back besides my family. To me, leaving my family in Singapore, doesn't makes much of a difference if I marry a foreign husband. After all, I will still need to leave them if I ever marry a non-Singaporean like my friend who married her distance relative who's a Australian-born Chinese.
The pasture may not be greener on the other side, but you will never know without trying or stepping into a new pasture. I mean the most you just return to the pasture you once lived in, what is there to lose?
Tarry before the promise of God. How long more? I am sorry to say that I am running out of patience. I told my CGL on Monday night, I have no more patience if it's gonna be another 10 years. I don't even need Him to keep His promise if it's gonna take that long. What's the point? I'd be 40.
40 years to Him is still a day, a 100 years is still a day. So what if I live up to a hundred years old, I don't live to a thousand years to make a day for the promise to come to pass.
Yes, I am being pessimistic. I don't really hope much these years, with hope comes disappointment and impatience. So I don't really live expecting much to happen, so that when it doesn't happen, it doesn't has much impact on me. If it does, praise the Lord, Amen!
So what about seek first the Kingdom of God? Sorry, I do whatever I can, or possible within my own limitations. I don't want to feel bad or guilty for not being able to do much for You. And yes, I am pretty much like the man with a talent, dug a hole and hid it for fear of his master. May your grace be with me.
Pretty melancholic at this moment. Need to go and pray and ask God for a word for my birthday. Though it's over, but I am sure He knows that 17th is my birthday. :)
