Lost Hopes
As I played Walau Seribu Rebah with my guitar, I can't help it but I cried and cried.
It has been some time I cried so terribly since few months back. I can't help it but I just felt God loving me, touching me, comforting me. It's like there's a river that has been blocked by a dam, the emotions just came gushing out as if the dam has been broken.
It has always been in my heart and a concern, an intangible heavy stone that I don't take much note of. But God knows everything, He knows that I am very concerned and burdened. He knows me better than I know myself.
I thought I know better but Jesus knows best. And I really hope that the people I have been going out with will be touched by God. But am I really doing the right thing, am I really impacting and influencing them? I have been praying every night for them, for God's love to touch them, to break every stronghold over their lives, that as I meet them, I will carry the presence of God.
There's a hope which I know that it will most probably be a false hope. I have so often carried false hope in my heart that now I have lost all confidence in myself, in the hopes that I hold for anything. There's no problem with God answering my prayer, but I don't know why that it seems like I am often hoping in things that will not never come to pass.
For years, I hoped and hoped till I have given up and shifted my focus. Yet it's still the same, whatever I hoped for is never a hope that I can see it fulfilling in my own life. Am I hoping for the wrong thing? It seems like my hopes are invalid through the years I lived.
Lies from the pits of hell? Perhaps. But I can't help it as I see people's hopes and dreams come to pass, yet here I am, NOTHING.
Am I learning a lesson that I haven't yet learn for a decade? Am I missing out on anything that God has been trying to show me for years?
It makes me think there's something wrong with me. I feel like an illegitimate child, unwanted.
Which of course is not true, otherwise God won't be touching my heart like He did tonight. I want to lean on His broad, comfortable shoulder, entering into His embrace of unconditional love,rest in His bosom that brings assurance and security.
It has been some time I cried so terribly since few months back. I can't help it but I just felt God loving me, touching me, comforting me. It's like there's a river that has been blocked by a dam, the emotions just came gushing out as if the dam has been broken.
It has always been in my heart and a concern, an intangible heavy stone that I don't take much note of. But God knows everything, He knows that I am very concerned and burdened. He knows me better than I know myself.
I thought I know better but Jesus knows best. And I really hope that the people I have been going out with will be touched by God. But am I really doing the right thing, am I really impacting and influencing them? I have been praying every night for them, for God's love to touch them, to break every stronghold over their lives, that as I meet them, I will carry the presence of God.
There's a hope which I know that it will most probably be a false hope. I have so often carried false hope in my heart that now I have lost all confidence in myself, in the hopes that I hold for anything. There's no problem with God answering my prayer, but I don't know why that it seems like I am often hoping in things that will not never come to pass.
For years, I hoped and hoped till I have given up and shifted my focus. Yet it's still the same, whatever I hoped for is never a hope that I can see it fulfilling in my own life. Am I hoping for the wrong thing? It seems like my hopes are invalid through the years I lived.
Lies from the pits of hell? Perhaps. But I can't help it as I see people's hopes and dreams come to pass, yet here I am, NOTHING.
Am I learning a lesson that I haven't yet learn for a decade? Am I missing out on anything that God has been trying to show me for years?
It makes me think there's something wrong with me. I feel like an illegitimate child, unwanted.
Which of course is not true, otherwise God won't be touching my heart like He did tonight. I want to lean on His broad, comfortable shoulder, entering into His embrace of unconditional love,rest in His bosom that brings assurance and security.
