Rejecting love....
Was having lunch with my family again at Plaza Singapura - Jap food. :> Had sashimi set, yummy...
Anyway I had a conversation with my cousin, anyway there only 2 of us who's eligible for marriage. However, she's not attached being 8 years older than me. Not forgetting the rest of my aunties who aren't attached as well and they are in their 40s.
I was telling my cousin I feel like the family is under some kind of generation curse. Why aren't all the girls attached or married? My aunts were disappointed in love, having their own experiences as well as my grandma's 2 failed marriages. My cousin had a fear because her father had cancer and both her mum and her self made many sacrifices. She has a phobia of going through the same thing if she's married.
Myself? As much as I have the desire in the past, I have already passed that stage. It seems like there's no point in hoping for romance and love at the same time. Another thing is that I am afraid of losing love which I cannot imagine how I will be able to handle or go through that.
Not wanting to be negative, but I want to have one love for a lifetime. I don't want to have to go through break-ups after investing trust and love in a person. I guess being an introvert and reserved person when it comes to emotions and trusting others, it takes a long time for me to really include a person in my life. And for the person to be in the inner circle of my life will mean that I have no doubt and without reservation, trust this person a 100%.
Which explains why I don't have many friends around me, I know many people but not all are friends. Last night I was reminded of a friendship which ended badly for me that affected my transition into adulthood. I am not too sure why I was reminded of it. I had trusted this friend very much and I will say she's the only good friend I have in poly. Though I am close with my project mates from the same class, but she was the only person I trusted and allowed into my life at that time.
Anyway, ever since then, no one has really been able to come into my world whom I will really care for and trust. Those people that I trust and care for are handful and countable. Seems like it's another layer of restoration especially in the emotions. Honestly, I don't really know how to control the limit of trusting people. To me, if I don't trust this person a 100% then I wouldn't even consider him/her a part of life.
Am I overly selective or careful? How do I be a part of God's Great Commission then if I have difficulty to truly care for a person? It's great energy and much delicate emotions to allow the person to touch my inner world.
As much as I respect my leader and know that she cares and loves me, I will say she hasn's managed to get into my inner world. I think for years, I have not allowed God into my inner world as well. I haven't allowed anyone, parents nor my beloved brother into my inner world.
This world is made of sand and anything delicate wind that blows against it, it will collapse. I don't even dare to touch this world of mine.
Sometimes I wonder by being overly protective of my boundary, have I lost many opportunities to contain good people who will be good friends? Have I lost the ability to step into the world of others to touch and heal them since I am lacking in this area? Have I become so used to being secluded emotionally that I am unable to love in terms of relationship?
Have I become selfish with this high wall/fortress that I have unconsciously built? Becoming insensitive to the people around me because I am so focused in protecting myself? I do care for the new friends, I am most willing to listen and help them. I have the desire to teach them the word of God. But I wouldn't approach anyone if I needed help, I will just do it on my own in ways that I know how.
I have never really asked help from any others for serious matters, not my parents as well. I think I help them make decisions more than they can help me. From secondary school to poly to part-time degree and for jobs, I have never consulted them at all. I make all the decisions on my own.
Have I become prideful in all these? I will say I don't know how to depend on people. Maybe that's why I never really been able to find a partner, without knowing how to trust or consult the other party.
I guess I have rejected love in many ways and I can't really blame anyone nor God for not providing someone.
This is the season to pray for self and others - more so...
Anyway I had a conversation with my cousin, anyway there only 2 of us who's eligible for marriage. However, she's not attached being 8 years older than me. Not forgetting the rest of my aunties who aren't attached as well and they are in their 40s.
I was telling my cousin I feel like the family is under some kind of generation curse. Why aren't all the girls attached or married? My aunts were disappointed in love, having their own experiences as well as my grandma's 2 failed marriages. My cousin had a fear because her father had cancer and both her mum and her self made many sacrifices. She has a phobia of going through the same thing if she's married.
Myself? As much as I have the desire in the past, I have already passed that stage. It seems like there's no point in hoping for romance and love at the same time. Another thing is that I am afraid of losing love which I cannot imagine how I will be able to handle or go through that.
Not wanting to be negative, but I want to have one love for a lifetime. I don't want to have to go through break-ups after investing trust and love in a person. I guess being an introvert and reserved person when it comes to emotions and trusting others, it takes a long time for me to really include a person in my life. And for the person to be in the inner circle of my life will mean that I have no doubt and without reservation, trust this person a 100%.
Which explains why I don't have many friends around me, I know many people but not all are friends. Last night I was reminded of a friendship which ended badly for me that affected my transition into adulthood. I am not too sure why I was reminded of it. I had trusted this friend very much and I will say she's the only good friend I have in poly. Though I am close with my project mates from the same class, but she was the only person I trusted and allowed into my life at that time.
Anyway, ever since then, no one has really been able to come into my world whom I will really care for and trust. Those people that I trust and care for are handful and countable. Seems like it's another layer of restoration especially in the emotions. Honestly, I don't really know how to control the limit of trusting people. To me, if I don't trust this person a 100% then I wouldn't even consider him/her a part of life.
Am I overly selective or careful? How do I be a part of God's Great Commission then if I have difficulty to truly care for a person? It's great energy and much delicate emotions to allow the person to touch my inner world.
As much as I respect my leader and know that she cares and loves me, I will say she hasn's managed to get into my inner world. I think for years, I have not allowed God into my inner world as well. I haven't allowed anyone, parents nor my beloved brother into my inner world.
This world is made of sand and anything delicate wind that blows against it, it will collapse. I don't even dare to touch this world of mine.
Sometimes I wonder by being overly protective of my boundary, have I lost many opportunities to contain good people who will be good friends? Have I lost the ability to step into the world of others to touch and heal them since I am lacking in this area? Have I become so used to being secluded emotionally that I am unable to love in terms of relationship?
Have I become selfish with this high wall/fortress that I have unconsciously built? Becoming insensitive to the people around me because I am so focused in protecting myself? I do care for the new friends, I am most willing to listen and help them. I have the desire to teach them the word of God. But I wouldn't approach anyone if I needed help, I will just do it on my own in ways that I know how.
I have never really asked help from any others for serious matters, not my parents as well. I think I help them make decisions more than they can help me. From secondary school to poly to part-time degree and for jobs, I have never consulted them at all. I make all the decisions on my own.
Have I become prideful in all these? I will say I don't know how to depend on people. Maybe that's why I never really been able to find a partner, without knowing how to trust or consult the other party.
I guess I have rejected love in many ways and I can't really blame anyone nor God for not providing someone.
This is the season to pray for self and others - more so...
