Tiring
Physically drained, emotional ok, mentally drained, spiritually lost...........
Dr. Kim preached a great message today. She's so real with her sharing and because it's about daily life of her own, it's much easier for the congregation to relate to her.
I was struck speechless when she "discipled" pastor........... She asked Pst how many days does he work? - 7 days.
Dr. Kim: " Shame on you! How many days does God work?"
Congregation: "6 days!"
Dr. Kim to Pst: "You should rest a day. God works only 6 days.
Dr. Kim to Congregation: "My husband used to work 7 days. But God only works 6 days and I told him, you are not greater than God. Even God needs to rest for a day. Now, my husband rests on Mondays and he plays golf, does whatever that he wants. He is much fresher."
I could see Pst embarassed but he is also very humbled because his gestures to Dr. Kim shows that he knows that he should heed her advise because it's really God's desire for man to rest and have a sabbath day, just for himself.
She was so funny when she shared about shopping with wisdom which also spoke to me about asking and you shall receive.
Looking at her, she's like a mum that I would wish for. But then, that's when I look at her as a loving pastor, probably she'd be a very strict and fierce mum. Haha....
I could relate to her when she said that she has no sister whom she can relate/share or learn from and her mum was always busy with work. My mum is not a busy woman but she's not like any normal mum a person will have. Probably a handful out there will encounter such a situation as mine.
Anyway no point lamenting over, because I have said and shared several times - be it in blog or my own diary in the past.
I think I haven't written my diary for as long as I have blogged. There's much more confidentiality in writing than blogging. But blogging allows you to update your friends on what you want them to be updated about and also to keep in drafts what you want to be kept in silence between yourself and God.
There are times that I saved my blogs as draft. I simply just don't want people to know because it's private and sometimes it's because it's full of anger/negativity.
I have been rather heavy-hearted for this whole day. There was this sense of discouragements, fears and loss. I think I am serving out of fear these days. Not only because of pressure but also because of a member just simply likes to interpret things negatively and extremely. Her harsh words is like a sword that cuts through the heart.
This fear has become a thorn in my flesh and I really dislike it. God has not meant for us to serve in fear but in love, revelation and conviction.
Love - not very much.
Revelation - yes.
Conviction - nope.
Vision and dream - I can see neither. How am I going to lead when I can't see where myself am going? Haiz............... This is bad. Perhaps I should just be a ordinary member and just do what I can for the Kingdom.
I just don't think that I am cut out to be a leader. I just don't have that kind of influence and every time I need to exert authority and disciple, I feels that it drains 80% of my energy. To strategise, I am also 80% stressed mentally. I am a person who's really bad at planning. To be 100% responsible for a person's life, I am freaked out 100%.
So where is God in all these? I probably left Him out and tried to use my own strength to try to accomplish.
Am I trying to please my leader? Which I don't ever seem to be able to meet her expectations. Am I trying to gain acceptance? Well, I don't need this kind of acceptance if it means for me to break down because of the stress and fears.
Am I unwilling to take on the challenge? YES! I have yet to learn to crucify my own flesh to live for the greater purpose. I want Alison's corner without any disturbance and interruptions.
Drowning in Alison's ocean of self-centredness........
Dr. Kim preached a great message today. She's so real with her sharing and because it's about daily life of her own, it's much easier for the congregation to relate to her.
I was struck speechless when she "discipled" pastor........... She asked Pst how many days does he work? - 7 days.
Dr. Kim: " Shame on you! How many days does God work?"
Congregation: "6 days!"
Dr. Kim to Pst: "You should rest a day. God works only 6 days.
Dr. Kim to Congregation: "My husband used to work 7 days. But God only works 6 days and I told him, you are not greater than God. Even God needs to rest for a day. Now, my husband rests on Mondays and he plays golf, does whatever that he wants. He is much fresher."
I could see Pst embarassed but he is also very humbled because his gestures to Dr. Kim shows that he knows that he should heed her advise because it's really God's desire for man to rest and have a sabbath day, just for himself.
She was so funny when she shared about shopping with wisdom which also spoke to me about asking and you shall receive.
Looking at her, she's like a mum that I would wish for. But then, that's when I look at her as a loving pastor, probably she'd be a very strict and fierce mum. Haha....
I could relate to her when she said that she has no sister whom she can relate/share or learn from and her mum was always busy with work. My mum is not a busy woman but she's not like any normal mum a person will have. Probably a handful out there will encounter such a situation as mine.
Anyway no point lamenting over, because I have said and shared several times - be it in blog or my own diary in the past.
I think I haven't written my diary for as long as I have blogged. There's much more confidentiality in writing than blogging. But blogging allows you to update your friends on what you want them to be updated about and also to keep in drafts what you want to be kept in silence between yourself and God.
There are times that I saved my blogs as draft. I simply just don't want people to know because it's private and sometimes it's because it's full of anger/negativity.
I have been rather heavy-hearted for this whole day. There was this sense of discouragements, fears and loss. I think I am serving out of fear these days. Not only because of pressure but also because of a member just simply likes to interpret things negatively and extremely. Her harsh words is like a sword that cuts through the heart.
This fear has become a thorn in my flesh and I really dislike it. God has not meant for us to serve in fear but in love, revelation and conviction.
Love - not very much.
Revelation - yes.
Conviction - nope.
Vision and dream - I can see neither. How am I going to lead when I can't see where myself am going? Haiz............... This is bad. Perhaps I should just be a ordinary member and just do what I can for the Kingdom.
I just don't think that I am cut out to be a leader. I just don't have that kind of influence and every time I need to exert authority and disciple, I feels that it drains 80% of my energy. To strategise, I am also 80% stressed mentally. I am a person who's really bad at planning. To be 100% responsible for a person's life, I am freaked out 100%.
So where is God in all these? I probably left Him out and tried to use my own strength to try to accomplish.
Am I trying to please my leader? Which I don't ever seem to be able to meet her expectations. Am I trying to gain acceptance? Well, I don't need this kind of acceptance if it means for me to break down because of the stress and fears.
Am I unwilling to take on the challenge? YES! I have yet to learn to crucify my own flesh to live for the greater purpose. I want Alison's corner without any disturbance and interruptions.
Drowning in Alison's ocean of self-centredness........
