It hurts......

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Why are most ladies made vulnerable? Or should I ask why has God created us this way?

Sometimes, I just wish I can live life without a heart so I don't feel. No disappointments, no anger, no unhappiness, no jealousy, nothing...... Like a zombie... I didn't asked to here anyway.

It's just a big mistake. Even when I was at the age of 5, I would tell myself this is a dream, I will wake up soon and see the beautiful heaven. I am not so sure now though. This is the longest dream I ever had and I am still in it. Most destructive denial stage.

I guess that's why my beloved "brother" went away during my teenage years and he left yet again few years back. He has only called me twice since.

I guess I am quite badly influenced by him. Rather, he was the only one who had the same dream as I have. Difference is, he has the courage to pursue it despite of the objections he faced. It's not easy even now for him to be alone and fending for himself especially @ his age when he should already have a career and a family.

For me, if I have the courage but without direction, I would be very lost and frustrated even though I may be fulfilling a dream of young.

My heart is so cluttered and far away from the Beloved. I used to think no one and nothing else matters if He is with me. But as I grow older, I grew further away from Him. Each time it just gets harder and more difficult. I may be His forever but He is not my forever.

Will I get to see Him?

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