~SiLeNcE~

This is what I want since 2 weeks back.

Honestly speaking, I am glad there is no CG for the past 2 weeks. I have all the time for myself, pros and cons though. Just have space for myself.

Everything is I, Me, Myself - IMM.

I really appreciate to have IMM time. No need to fuss over some others, no need to chase after people, no need to talk or spend time to listen to others. Just IMM.

I know this is not a character of God. Because in His entire ministry, Jesus never really had IMM time for Himself. It was always others. Always and forever.

When I was young, I may have such capacity because God loves people. But now, I don't have the wee bit to bother about others. And I am glad no one bothers me as well.

I need SILENCE moments for myself.

I have enough of "spiritual" encouragements, prayers, all the religious works/words. I just need some earthly encouragements. Down-to-earth and not something, the other person can experience and somehow far-fetching for me.

It just seems so unreal though the person might have gone through that particular experience. People in the world seems to be more down-to-earth. Perhaps I am carnal-natured and find relating to them more realistic than people from church.

Trust someone like me who graduated from SOT to say these words. SIGH.....

I never seem to be able to connect to God. Yes, the problem is I don't pray. Prayer is another far-fetched task for me. Ever since entering into young adulthood, prayers have never worked for me. Maybe just a whisper in my heart to God, things seem to come my way.

I don't like to pray. Yes, prayer is not about asking and getting but relating and communicating to the Beloved. But I don't know why, I just dislike or hate to pray.

I live my life without hope, faith and love. No hope because I see the road ahead of me and time is running out. No faith because I simply cannot depend on the Almighty Creator. No love because I don't have the capacity to have someone to depend on me because of IMM.

So am I still a believer, a child of God? A prodigal child who seems so near yet so far.

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