What Am I Doing

WHAT AM I DOING?
I am just disinterested in every thing that has gotta do with spirituality.
WHY? I just find them controlling and making my life miserable. It makes me feel worst and lousy. I'd rather be alone and then live my normal life.

When I study, things begin to inflat. When I pray, things begin to happen the opposite of my prayer. I pray against, things will happen. I pray for things to happen, nothing happens. So it's the best I pray for others and not myself and wait for something to happen for me.

I am sick and tired of feeling lousy for a decade of my life. I'd rather do nothing, then at least things will be normal. No lousy feelings like guilt and condemnation, fears of letting others down, fears of things not happening when I pray. The worst shitty thing is praying and things become worst than before.

I do have dreams and visions, maybe dreams only. But then, all these is in the past. It's over for me. I am a selfish piece of shit now. Better to be untouched then to be pressed upon. Just like a pus, when left alone it will heal by itself, when pressed, it will burst and scar.
I guess I run away from things so that I don't need to face them. Things turning for the worst instead for the better and then I have to face it all! I just don't wanna end up like my mum because of excessive stress and disappointments.

Maybe I am just plain laziness and unwilling to change, to improve, to step into the unknown. Most of all submission to leadership and yielding to HS. All these is a form of control, suffocating me. I feel so suffocated because of all the demands, meeting the expectations of man and God.

I am just not up to anything that requires faith. Faith is not a part of my life because nothing works out for me. The worst always expect me.

SIGH.................

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